• Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Pdf
• Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Book Pdf Free Download
• Matthew Mckay Self-esteem Pdf
• The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Ebook Download
• How To Improve Self-esteem Pdf
• The Six Pillars Of Self-esteem Pdf Free Download
• The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Pdf Free Download For Windows 10

A pioneer in the field of self-esteem, psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden explains that the foundation of a healthy self-esteem rests on six key practices or virtues--living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, purposeful living, and personal integrity--and reveals how women can cultivate these essential virtues.

See a Problem?

Not the book you’re looking for?

Preview — Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

1. Just simply type ‘the six pillars if self esteem pdf’ in google. The first website is for you. There you can download a free pdf file of this. Hope it helps you. For more information check out my blog Shut Dem All.
2. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem is, Self-Esteem is, as its sub-title proclaims: “the proclaims: “the denitive work on self-esteem by Small Improvements the leading pioneer in the eld.” Branden’s style is rigorously smart yet still approachable (and Are big. Almost Emersonially quotable:).

Positive Psychology Books
Pivotal Books

More lists with this book...
Aug 13, 2009Taka rated it really liked itOct 21, 2015Nicolay Hvidsten rated it really liked itOct 16, 2017Rob Thompson rated it liked itMore quotes…

% The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem% Nathaniel Branden% _

Let us identify the most important factors on which self-esteem depends.

If self-esteem is the health of the mind, then few subjects are of comparableurgency

The turbulence of our times demands strong selves with a clear sense ofidentity, competence, and worth.

With a breakdown of cultural consensus, an absence of worthy role models, littlein the public arena to inspire our allegiance, and disorientingly rapid change apermanent feature of our lives; with all that it is a dangerous moment inhistory not to know who we are, or not to trust ourselves.

The stability we cannot find in the world, we must create within our ownpersons. To face life with low self-esteem is to be at a severe disadvantage.

These considerations are part of my motivation in writing this program, which inessence, consists of my answers to four questions:

1. What is self-esteem?
2. Why is self-esteem important?
3. What can we do to raise the level of our self-esteem?
4. What role do others play in influencing our self-esteem?

Self-esteem is shaped by both internal, and external factors. By internal, Imean factors residing within or generated by the individual: ideas or beliefs,practices or behaviours. By external, I mean factors in the environment, such asmessages verbally or non-verbally transmitted, or experiences evoked by parents,teachers, significant others, organisations, and culture.

I examine self-esteem from the inside, and the outside:

What is the contribution of the individual to his or her self-esteem?, and Whatis the contribution of other people?

I first lectured on self-esteem, and it's impact on love, work, and the strugglefor happiness, in the late 1950's, and published my first articles on thesubject in the 1960's. The challenge then was to gain understanding of it'simportance. Self-esteem was not yet an expression in widespread use. Today, thedanger may be that the idea has become fashionable: it is on everyone's tongue.Which is not to say that it is better understood. Yet, if we are unclear aboutit's precise meaning and about the specific factors it's successful obtainmentdepends on -- if we are careless in our thinking, or succumb to theoversimplifications and sugar-coatings of pop-psychology, then the subject willsuffer a fate worse than being ignored: it will become trivialised.

In working with self-esteem, we need to be aware of two dangers.

1. Oversimplifying what healthy self-esteem requires, thereby catering topeoples hungering for quick-fixes, and effortless solutions
2. Surrendering to a kind of fatalism or determinism, that assumes thatindividuals either have self-esteem, or they haven't. In other words --everyone's destiny is set in the first few years of life, and there's notmuch to be done about it, except perhaps years of psychotherapy.

Both views encourage passivity. Both obstruct our vision of what is possible.

My experience is that most people under-estimate their power to change and grow.They believe implicitly that yesterday's pattern must be tomorrow's. They do notsee that choices do exist. They rarely appreciate how much they can do on theirown behalf, if genuine growth and higher self-esteem are their goals, and ifthey are willing to take responsibility for their own lives.

The belief that they are powerless becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thisprogram, ultimately, is a call to action. It is addressed to all men and womento participate actively, in the process of their evolution, as well as topsychologists, parents, teachers, and those responsible for the culture oforganisations.

This program is about what is possible.

There are realities we cannot avoid. One of them is the importance ofself-esteem.

Regardless of what we do or do not admit we cannot be indifferent to ourself-evaluation. However, we can run from this knowledge if it makes usuncomfortable. We can shrug it off, evade it, declare that we are onlyinterested in 'practical' matters and escape into baseball, or the evening news,or the financial pages, or a shopping spree, or a sexual adventure, or a drink.

Yet, self-esteem is a fundamental human need. It's impact requires neither ourunderstanding nor our consent. It works it's way within us -- with or withoutour knowledge. We are are free to seek the dynamics of self-esteem, or remainunconscious of them, but in the latter case, we remain a mystery to ourselves,and endure the consequences.

Let us look at the role of self-esteem in our lives.

A Preliminary Definition

By 'self-esteem', I mean much more than that innate sense of self, thatpresumably, is our human birthright -- that spark that psychotherapists andteachers seek to fan in those they work with. That spark is only the anteroom ofself-esteem.

Self-esteem, fully realised, is the experience that we are appropriate to life,and to the requirements of life. More specifically, self-esteem is:

1. Confidence in our ability to think, confidence in our ability to cope withthe basic challenges of life; and,
2. Confidence in our right to be successful, and happy, the feeling of beingworthy, deserving. entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve ourvalues, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.

Later I will refine this definition.

I do not share the belief that self-esteem is a gift we have only to claim (byreciting affirmations, perhaps). On the contrary, its possession over timerepresents an achievement. The goal of this book is to examine the nature androots of that achievement.

The Basic Pattern

To trust one's mind, and to know that one is worthy of happiness, is theessence of self-esteem. The power of this conviction about oneself lies in thefact that it is more than a judgement or a feeling. It is a motivator; itinspires behaviour. In turn, it is directly directly affected by how we act.Causation flows in both directions. There is a continuous feedback loop betweenour actions and the world, and our self-esteem.

If I trust my mind and judgement, I am more likely to operate as a thinkingbeing. Bringing appropriate awareness to my activities, my life works better.This reinforces my mind. If I distrust my mind, I am more likely to be mentallypassive. When my actions lead to disappointing or painful results, I feeljustified in distrusting my mind.

With high self-esteem, I am more likely to persist in the face of difficulties.With low self-esteem, I am more likely to give up, or go through the motions oftrying without really giving my best. If I persevere, the likelihood is that Iwill succeed more often than I fail, I don't the likelihood is that I will failmore often that I succeed. Either way, my view of myself will be reinforced If Irespect myself, and require that others deal with me respectfully, I send outsignals and behave in ways that increase the likelihood that others will respondappropriately. When they do, I am reinforced and confirmed in my initial belief.

If I lack self-respect and accept discourtesy, abuse, or exploitation fromothers as natural, I unconsciously transmit this, and some people will treat meat my self-estimate. When this happens, and I submit to it, my self-respectdeteriorates still more.

The value of self-esteem lies not merely in the fact that it allows us to feelbetter, but that it allows us to live better -- to respond to challenges andopportunities more resourcefully, and more appropriately.

The level of our self-esteem has profound consequences for every aspect of ourexistence. How we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high weare likely to rise, how much we are likely to achieve. In the personal realm, ithelps determine with whom we are likely to fall in love, how we interact withour spouse, children, and friends, and what level of personal happiness weattain. There are positive correlations between healthy self-esteem, and avariety of other traits that bear directly on our capacity for achievement, andfor happiness.

Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness,creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness toadmit and correct mistakes, benevolence, and co-operativeness.

Poor self-esteem correlates with irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity,fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity, or inappropriaterebelliousness, defensiveness, over-compliant, or over-controlling behaviour,and fear of, or hostility toward people.

High self-esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demandinggoals. Low self-esteem seeks the safety of the familiar and undemanding.

The more solid our self-esteem, the better equipped we are to cope with troublesthat arise in our personal lives, or in our careers. And, the quicker we are topick ourselves up after a fall, the more energy we have to begin anew.

The higher our self-esteem, the more ambitious we tend to be. Not necessarily ina career or financial sense, but in terms of what we hope to experience in life-- emotionally, intellectually, creatively, spiritually. The lower ourself-esteem, the less we aspire to, the less we are likely to achieve.

Either path tends to be self-reinforcing, and self-perpetuating.

The higher our self-esteem, the stronger the drive to express ourselves,reflecting the sense of richness within. The lower our self-esteem, the moreurgent the need to 'prove' ourselves, or to forget ourselves by livingmechanically and unconsciously.

The higher our self-esteem, the more open, honest, and appropriate ourcommunications are likely to be -- because we believe our thoughts have valueand we welcome rather than fear clarity. The lower our self-esteem, the moremuddy, evasive, and inappropriate our communications are likely to be because ofuncertainty about our own thoughts and feelings, and our anxiety about thelisteners response.

The healthier our self-esteem, the more inclined we are to treat others withrespect, benevolence, good will and fairness -- since we do not tend to perceivethem as a threat, and since self-respect is the foundation of respect forothers.

We tend to feel most comfortable, most 'at home', with persons whoseself-esteem level resembles our own. Opposites may attract about some issues,but not this one. High self-esteem individuals tend to be drawn to highself-esteem individuals.

We do not see a passionate love affair for example, with persons at oppositeends of the self-esteem continuum. Just as we are not likely to see a passionateromance between intelligence and stupidity. I am speaking of passionate love --not a brief infatuation or a sexual episode, which can operate by a differentset of dynamics.

Medium self-esteem individuals are typically attracted to medium self-esteemindividuals. Low self-esteem seeks low self-esteem in others -- not consciouslyof course, but by the logic of that of that which leads us to feel we haveencountered a soul mate.

The most disastrous of relationships are those between persons who think poorlyof themselves. The union of two abysses does not produce a height. It is notdifficult to see the importance of self-esteem in the arena of intimaterelationships.

There is no greater barrier to romantic happiness, than the fear that I amundeserving of love, and that my destiny is to be hurt. Such fears give birthto self-fulfilling prophecies.

If I enjoy a fundamental sense of efficacy and worth, and experience myself asloveable, then I have a foundation for appreciating and loving others -- I havesomething to give. I am not trapped in feelings of deficiency.

If I lack respect and enjoyment of who I am, I have very little to give --except my unfilled needs. In my emotional impoverishment, I tend to see otherpeople essentially as sources of approval or disapproval. I do not appreciatethem for who they are in their own right. I see only what they can or cannot dofor me. I am not looking for people whom I can admire and with whom I can sharethe excitement and adventure of life -- I'm looking for people who will notcondemn me, and perhaps, will be impressed by my persona -- the face I presentto the world. My ability to love remains undeveloped.

We have all heard the observation that 'if you do not love yourself you will beunable to love others'. Less well-understood, is the other half of the story --If I do not feel loveable, it is very difficult to believe that anyone loves me.If I do not accept myself, how can I accept your love for me? Your warmth anddevotion are confusing -- they confound my self-concept, since I know I am notloveable. Thus, even if I consciously disown my feelings -- even if I try toinsist or try to insist that I am wonderful -- my poor self-concept remains deepwithin to undermine my attempts at relationships. Unwittingly, I become asaboteur at relationships. I attempt love, but the foundation of inner securityis not there. Instead, there is the secret fear that I am destined only forpain, so I pick someone who will inevitably reject and abandon me. Or, if I picksomeone with whom happiness might be possible, I subvert the relationship bydemanding excessive reassurances, or by venting irrational possessiveness, or bymaking catastrophes of small frictions, or by seeking control throughsubservience or domination -- by finding ways to reject my partner, before mypartner can reject me.

Everyone knows the famous Groucho Marx joke that he 'would never join a clubthat would have [him] for a member'. That is exactly the idea by which some lowself-esteem people operate their love life.

If you love me, you obviously are not good enough for me. Only someone who willreject me is an acceptable object of my devotion. Note that it is not alwaysnecessary to destroy the relationship entirely. It may be acceptable that therelationship continue, providing I am not happy. I may engage in a projectcalled 'Struggling to be Happy', or 'Working on our Relationship'. I may readbooks on the subject, participate in seminars, attend lectures, or enterpsychotherapy with the announced aim of being happy in the future, but not now.Not today. The possibility of happiness in the present is too terrifyinglyimmediate.

Happiness anxiety, as I call it, is very common. Happiness can activate internalvoices saying 'I don't deserve this', or 'It will never last', or 'I'm ridingfor a fall', or 'I'm killing my mother and father, by being happier than theywere!', or 'Happiness is only an illusion', or 'Nobody else is happy so whyshould I be?'.

What is required for many of us is the courage to tolerate happiness withoutself-sabotage. Until such time as we lose the fear of it, and realise that itwill not destroy us, and it need not disappear.

One day at a time, I will tell clients: 'See if you can get through todaywithout doing anything to undermine or subvert your good feelings. And if youfall of the wagon, don't despair. Pull yourself back up, and recommit yourselfto happiness. Such perseverance is self-esteem building.

Self-esteem creates a set of implicit expectations about what is possible andappropriate to us. These expectations tend to generate the actions that turnthem into realities, and the realities tend to confirm and strengthen theoriginal beliefs.

Self-esteem, high or low, tends to be a generator of self-fulfillingprophecies. Self-concept is destiny. Or, more precisely, it tends to be. Ourself-concept is who and what we consciously think we are -- our physical andpsychological traits, our assets and liabilities, possibilities and limitations,strengths and weaknesses. A self-concept includes our level of self-esteem, butis more global. We cannot understand a person's behaviour, without understandingthe self-concept behind it.

People sabotage themselves at the height of their success all the time. They doso when success clashes with their implicit beliefs of what is appropriate tothem. It is frightening to be flung beyond the limits of one's idea of who oneis. If a self-concept can not accommodate a given level of success, and theself-concept does not change, it is predictable that the person will find waysto self-sabotage. Poor self-esteem places us in an adversarial relationship withour well-being.

Too Much Self-Esteem?

The question is sometimes asked -- 'Is it possible to have too muchself-esteem?'. No it is not. No more than it is possible to have to muchphysical health, or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem isconfused with boasting, or bragging, or arrogance. These traits reflect not toomuch self-esteem, but too little. They reflect a lack of self-esteem. Personsof high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others. Theydo not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparativestandard. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someoneelse.

I recall reflecting on this issue one day while watching my dog playing in theback yard. She was running about, sniffing flowers, chasing flowers, leapinginto the air, showing a great job in being. I'm sure she was not thinking shewas more glad to be alive, than the dog next door. She was simply delighting inher own existence. That image captures something essential of how I understandthe experience of healthy self-esteem.

People with troubled self-esteem are often uncomfortable in the presence ofthose with higher self-esteem. They may feel resentful and declare 'They havetoo much self-esteem.', but what they are really making, is a statement aboutthemselves. The sad truth is, whoever is successful in this world runs the riskof being a target. People of low achievement often envy people of highachievement. Those who are unhappy often envy and resent those who are happy.And those of low self-esteem sometimes like to talk about the danger of having,as they put it, too much self-esteem.

When Nothing is 'Enough'

A poor self-esteem does not necessarily mean that we will be incapable ofachieving any real values. Some of us may have the talent, energy and drive toachieve a great deal, in spite of feelings of inadequacy, or unworthiness. Anexample is the highly productive work-aholic who is driven to prove his worthto, say, a father who predicted he would always be a loser. But a poorself-esteem does mean that we will be less effective, and less creative thanwe have the power to be, and it means that we will be crippled in our ability tofind joy in our achievements. Nothing we do will ever feel like 'enough'.

If my aim is to prove I am enough, the project goes on to infinity -- becausethe battle was already lost the day I conceded the issue was debatable. So itis always 'One more victory'. One more promotion. One more sexual conquest. Onemore company. One more piece of jewelry. A larger house, a more expensive car,another award. Yet the void within remains unfilled.

In today's culture, some frustrated people who hit this impasse announce thatthey have decided to pursue a spiritual path, and renounce their egos. Thisenterprise is doomed to failure. An ego, in the mature and healthy sense, isprecisely what they have failed to attain. They dream of giving away what theydo not possess. No-one can successfully by-pass the need for self-esteem.

A word of caution

If one error is to deny the importance of self-esteem, another is to claim toomuch for it. In their enthusiasm, writers today seem to suggest that a healthysense of self-value is all we need to assure happiness and success. The matteris more complex than that. A well developed sense of self is a necessarycondition of our well-being, but not a sufficient condition. It's presencedoes not guarantee fulfilment, but it's lack guarantees some level of anxiety,frustration, or despair.

Self-esteem is not a substitute for a roof over one's head, or food in one'sstomach, but it increases the likelihood that one will find and meet suchneeds.

Self-esteem is not a substitute for the knowledge and skills one needs tooperate effectively in the world, but it increases the likelihood that one willacquire them.

The Challenges of the Modern World

The survival value of self-esteem is especially evident today. We have reacheda moment in history when self-esteem, which has always been a supremelyimportant psychological need, has also become a supremely important economicneed. It is the attribute imperative for adaptiveness in an increasinglycomplex, challenging and competitive world. In the past few decades, the UnitedStates has shifted from a manufacturing society to an information society. Wenow live in a global economy characterised by rapid change, acceleratingscientific and technological breakthroughs, and an unprecedented level ofcompetitiveness. These developments create demands for higher levels ofeducation and training than were required of previous generations. Everyoneacquainted with business culture knows this. What is not understood is thatthese developments also create new demands on our psychological resources.Specifically, these developments ask for a greater capacity for innovation,self-management, responsibility, and self-direction.

A modern business can no longer be run by a few people who think and many peoplewho just do what they are told. Today organisations need not only anunprecedentedly higher level of knowledge and skill among all those whoparticipate, but also a higher level of independence, self-reliance, self-trust,and the capacity to exercise initiative. In a word: self-esteem.

The challenge extends further than the world of business: we are freer than thegeneration before us to choose our own religion, philosophy, or moral code. Toadopt our own lifestyle. To select our own criteria for the good life. We nolonger have unquestioning faith in tradition. We no longer believe thatgovernment leads to salvation, nor church, nor labour unions, nor bigorganisations of any kind. We have more choices and options than ever before inevery area. Frontiers of limitless possibilities now face us in whateverdirection we look. To be adaptive in such an environment, we have a greater needfor personal autonomy. This is because there is no widely accepted code ofvalues and rituals to spare us the challenge of individual decision making. Wemust learn to think for ourselves. To cultivate our own resources, and to takeresponsibility for the choices, values and actions that shape our lives. Thegreater the number of choices and decisions we need to make at a consciouslevel, the more urgent our need for self-esteem.

Self-esteem has two, interrelated, components:

1. A sense of basic confidence in the face of life's challenges. This isself-efficacy,
2. A sense of being worthy of happiness. This is self-respect.

Self-efficacy means:

• Confidence in the functioning of my mind;
• In my ability to think, understand, learn, choose, and make decisions
• Confidence in my ability to understand the facts of reality, all within thesphere of my interests and needs
• Self-trust, and self-reliance

Self-respect means:

• 'Assurance of my value'. It means,
• An affirmative attitude toward my right to live and to be happy. It means,
• Comfort, in appropriately asserting my thoughts, wants and needs. It means,
• The feeling that joy and fulfilment are my natural birthright.

We will need to consider these two ideas in more detail, but for the moment,consider the following:

If an individual felt inadequate to face the challenges of life -- if anindividual lacked fundamental self-trust, confidence in his or her mind -- wewould recognise a self-esteem deficiency, no matter what other assets he or shepossessed. Or, if an individual lacked a basic sense of self-respect -- feltunworthy or undeserving the love or respect of others, not entitled tohappiness, fearful of asserting thoughts, wants or needs -- again, we wouldrecognise a self-esteem deficiency, no matter what other positive attributes heor she exhibited.

Self-efficacy and self-respect are the dual foundations of healthy self-esteem.Absent either one: self-esteem is impaired. They are the definingcharacteristics of self-esteem.

Within a given person there will be inevitable fluctuations in self-esteemlevels, much as there are fluctuations in all psychological states. We need tothink in terms of a person's average level of self-esteem. While we sometimesspeak of self-esteem as a conviction about oneself, it is more accurate to speakof it as a disposition to experience oneself a particular way.

What way? Let me sum it up, in a formal, precise definition:

Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope withthe basic challenges of life, and as worthy of happiness. Now, the value of aprecise definition, is that it allows us to distinguish a particular aspect ofreality from all others, so that we can think about it, and work with it withclarity and focus. If we wish to know what self-esteem depends on -- how tonurture it in our children, support it in schools, encourage it inorganisations, strengthen it in psychotherapy, or develop it in ourselves, weneed to know what precisely we are aiming at. We are unlikely to hit a targetwe cannot see. If our idea of self-esteem is vague, the means we adopt to buildit will reflect this vagueness. Am I suggesting that the definition ofself-esteem is written down in stone? Not at all. Definitions are contextual.They relate to a given level of knowledge. As knowledge grows, definitions tendto become more precise. I may find a better more exact way to capture theessence of the concept during my lifetime, or perhaps someone else may. Butwithin the context of the knowledge we now possess, I can think of noalternative formulation that identifies with more precision the unique aspect ofhuman experience we are exploring.

To have high self-esteem then, is to feel confidently appropriate to life.To have low self-esteem, is to feel inappropriate to life. To feel wrong. Notabout this issue or that, but wrong as a person. To have average self-esteem isto fluctuate between feeling appropriate and inappropriate. Right and wrong, asa person. It is also to manifest these inconsistencies in behaviour -- sometimesacting wisely, sometimes acting foolishly, thereby reinforcing the uncertaintyabout who one is at one's core.

I have given the name Self-efficacy to that experience of basic power orconfidence that we associate with healthy self-esteem, and

Self-respect to the experience of dignity and personal worth.

While their meaning is clear in a general way, I want to examine them moreclosely.

First, self-efficacy. To be efficacious in the basic, dictionary sense, is to becapable of producing a desired result. Confidence in our basic efficacy isconfidence in our ability to learn what we need to learn and do what we need todo in order to achieve our goals, insofar as success depends on efforts.Rationally, we do not judge our competence in the sense meant here by factorsoutside our control. Self-efficacy is not the conviction that we can never makean error. It is the conviction that we are able to think, to judge, to know, andto correct our errors. It is trust in our mental process and abilities.Self-efficacy is not the certainty that we will be able to master any and everychallenge that life presents. It is the conviction that we are capable inprinciple of learning what we need to learn, and that we are committed to doingour rational and conscientious best to master the tasks and challenges entailedby our values. Self-efficacy is deeper than confidence in our specific knowledgeand skills based on past successes and accomplishments, although it is clearlynurtured by them. It is confidence in what made it possible for us to acquireknowledge and skills, and to achieve successes. It is confidence in our abilityto think, confidence in our consciousness and how we choose to use it. Again, itis trust in our processes, and as a consequence to expect success for ourefforts. The distinction between trust in our processes, and some particulararea of knowledge, is of the highest importance in virtually every sphere ofendeavour. In a world in which the total of human knowledge is doubling aboutevery 10 years, our security can rest only on our ability to learn. No-one canexpect to be equally competent in all areas, and no-one needs to be. Ourinterests, values and circumstances determine the areas in which we are likelyto concentrate.

Worthiness

Now lets consider the second component of self-esteem, self-respect. Just asself-efficacy entails the expectation of success as natural, so self-respectentails the expectations of friendship, love, and happiness as natural, as aresult of who we are and what we do. We can isolate the two componentsconceptually, for the sake of analysis, but in the reality of our dailyexperience they constantly overlap and involve each other. Self-respect is theconviction of own value. It is not the delusion that we are perfect, or superiorto everyone else, it is not comparative or competitive at all -- it is theconviction that our life and well-being are worth acting to support, protect,and nurture. That we are good, and worthwhile, and deserving of the respect ofothers, and that our happiness and personal fulfilment are important enough towork for.

To appreciate why our need for self-respect is so urgent, consider this: To livesuccessfully we need to pursue and achieve values. To act appropriately, we needto value the beneficiary of our actions. We need to consider ourselves worthy ofthe rewards of our actions. Absent this conviction, we will not know how totake care of ourselves, protect our legitimate interests, satisfy our needs orenjoy our own achievements. Thus, our experience of self-efficacy also will beimpaired.

If we respect ourselves, we tend to act in ways that confirm and reinforce thisrespect, such as requiring others to deal with us appropriately. If we wish toraise the level of our self-respect, we need to act in ways that will cause itto rise, and this begins with a commitment to the value of our own person.

The need to see ourselves as good is the need to experience self-respect. Itemerges very early. As we develop from childhood, we progressively become awareof the power to choose our actions -- we become aware of our responsibility forthe choices we make. We acquire our sense of being a person. The experience andneed to feel that we are right. Right as a person. In our characteristic way offunctioning. This is the need to feel that we are good.

The level of our self-esteem is not set once and for all in childhood. It cangrow as we mature, or, it can deteriorate. There are people whose self-esteemwas higher at the age of 10 than at the age of 60, and the reverse is also true.Self-esteem can rise and fall and rise again over the course of a lifetime. Minecertainly has. I can think back over my history and observe changes in the levelof my self-esteem that reflect choices I made in the face of particularchallenges. I can recall instances where I made choices I am proud of, andothers I bitterly regret. Choices that strengthen my self-esteem, and othersthat lowered it. We all can. With regard to choices that lower self-esteem, Ithink of times when I was unwilling to see what I saw, and know what I knew.Times when I needed to raise awareness, but instead I lowered it. Times when Ineeded to examine my feelings, and I disowned them. Times when I needed toannounce a truth, and instead I clung to silence. Times when I needed to walkaway from a relationship that was harming me, and instead I struggled topreserve it. Times when I needed to stand up for my strongest feelings, andassert my deepest needs, and instead I waited for a miracle to deliver me.

Any time we have to act -- to face a challenge, to make a moral decision -- weaffect our feelings about ourselves for good or bad depending on the nature ofour response, and the mental processes behind it; And if we avoid action anddecisions in spite of their obvious necessity, that too, affects our sense ofself.

Our need for self-esteem is the need to know we are functioning as our life andwell-being require.

What does self-esteem look like? There are some fairly simple and direct ways inwhich self-esteem manifests itself in ourselves, and in others. None of theseitems taken in isolation is a guarantee, but when all are present together,self-esteem seems certain:

• Self-esteem expresses itself in a face, manner, and way of talking and movingthat projects the pleasure one takes in being alive.
• It expresses itself in an ease of talking of accomplishments or shortcomingswith directness and honesty, since one is in a friendly relationship to facts.
• It expresses itself in the comfort one experiencing when giving and receivingcompliments, expressions of affection, appreciation, and the like.
• It expresses itself in an openness to criticism, and a comfort aboutacknowledging mistakes, because one's self-esteem is not tied to the image ofbeing perfect.
• It expresses itself when one's words and movements tend to have a quality ofease and spontaneity, reflecting the fact that one is not at war with oneself.
• It expresses itself in the harmony between what one says and does, and how onelooks, sounds and moves.
• It expresses itself in an attitude of openness to and curiosity about newideas, new experiences, new possibilities of life
• It expresses itself in the fact that feelings of anxiety and insecurity, ifthey appear, will be less likely to intimidate or overwhelm, since acceptingthem, managing them, and rising above them, rarely feels impossibly difficult.
• It expresses itself in the ability to enjoy the humorous aspects of life inoneself and others.
• It expresses itself in ones flexibility in responding to situations andchallenges, since one trusts ones mind and does not see life as doom ordefeat.
• It expresses itself in ones comfort with assertive behaviour in oneself, andothers.
• It expresses itself in an ability to preserve equality of harmony and dignityunder conditions of stress.

Physical manifestations of self-esteem include:

• Eyes that are alert, bright, and lively,
• Shoulders that are relaxed, yet erect,
• Hands that tend to be relaxed and graceful,
• Arms that tend to hang in an easy, natural way,
• A posture that tends to be unstrained, erect, well balanced,
• A walk that tends to be purposeful, and,
• A voice that tends to be modulated with an intensity appropriate to thesituation, and with clear pronunciation.

Notice that the theme of relaxation occurs again and again. Relaxation impliesthat we are not hiding from ourselves -- not denying our feelings, and are notat war with who we are.

Inner tension conveys some form of internal split. Some form of self-avoidance,or self-repudiation. Some aspect of the self being disowned, or held on a verytight leash.

When self-esteem is low, we are often manipulated by fear. Fear of reality towhich we feel inadequate. Fear of facts about ourselves, or others, that we havedenied, disowned, or repressed. Fear of the collapse of our pretences. Fear ofexposure. Fear of the humiliation of failure, and sometimes, theresponsibilities of success. We live more to avoid pain, than to experience joy.

If we feel that crucial aspects of reality with which we must deal arehopelessly close to our understanding, if we face the key problems of life witha basic sense of helplessness, if we feel that we dare not pursue certain linesof thought because of the unworthy features of our own character that will bebrought to light -- if we feel in any sense whatever, that reality is the enemyof our self-esteem -- these spheres tend to sabotage the efficacy ofconsciousness, thereby worsening the initial problem.

If we face the basic problems of life with an attitude of 'Who am I to know?','Who am I to decide?', or 'It is dangerous to be conscious', or 'It isfutile to try to think or understand' -- we are undercut at the outset. A minddoes not struggle for that which it regards as impossible, or undesirable.

If low self-esteem dreads the unknown and unfamiliar, high self-esteem seeks newfrontiers. If low self-esteem avoids challenges, high self-esteem desires andneeds them. Low self-esteem looks for a chance to be absolved, high self-esteemlooks for an opportunity to admire.

In these opposite principles of motivation, we have a guide to the health of themind, or spirit. We can say that an individual is healthy to the extent, thatthe basic motivation is that of motivation by confidence. The degree ofmotivation by fear is the measure of underdeveloped self-esteem.

Sometimes we see people who enjoy worldly success, are widely esteemed, or whohave a public veneer of assurance, yet are deeply dissatisfied, anxious ordepressed. They may project the appearance of self-efficacy and self-respect --they may have the persona of self-esteem -- but they do not possess thereality. How might we understand them? We have noted that to the extent we failto develop authentic self-esteem, the consequences varying degrees of anxiety,insecurity and self doubt. This is the sense of being in effect, inappropriateto existence. Of course, no-one thinks of it in these terms. Perhaps instead onethinks something is wrong with me or I'm lacking something essential. Thisstate tends to be painful, and because it is painful, we are often motivated toevade it, to deny our fears, rationalise our behaviour, create the appearance ofa self-esteem we do not possess. We may develop what I have called 'pseudoself-esteem'.

Pseudo Self-Esteem

Pseudo self-esteem is the illusion of self-efficacy and self-respect, withoutthe reality. It is a self-protective device to diminish anxiety and to provide aspurious sense of security. A device to assuage our need for authenticself-esteem, while allowing the real causes of it's lack to remain unexamined.Nothing is more common than to pursue self-esteem by means that will not andcannot work. Instead of seeking self-esteem through conscious responsibility andintegrity, we may seek it through popularity, material acquisitions, or sexualexploits. Instead of valuing personal authenticity, we may value belonging tothe right clubs, or the right church, or the right political party. Instead ofseeking self-respect through honesty, we may seek it through philanthropy -- 'Imust be a good person -- I do good works!'. Instead of striving for the truepower of confidence, we pursue the so called power of manipulating orcontrolling other people. The possibilities for self-deception are almostendless.

Self-esteem is an intimate experience. It resides in the core of one's being. Itis what I think and feel about myself. Not what someone else thinks or feelsabout me. This simple fact can hardly be over-emphasised. I can be loved by myfamily, my mate and my friends, and yet not love myself. I can be admired by myassociates, and yet regard myself as worthless. I can project an image ofassurance and poise that fools almost everyone, and yet secretly tremble with asence of my inadequacy. I can fulfill the expectations of others, and yet failmy own. I can win every honour, and yet feel I have accomplished nothing. I canbe adored by millions, and yet wake up each morning with a sickening sense offraudulence and emptiness.

The Focus on Action

The tragedy of many people's lives is that they look for self-esteem in everydirection except within, and so they fail in their search. The ultimate searchfor self-esteem is, and can only be internal. In what we do, not what othersdo. When we seek it in externals, we invite tragedy. I do not wish to suggestthat a psychologically healthy person is unaffected by the feedback he or shereceives from others -- we are social beings, and others certainly contribute toour self perceptions -- but there are immense differences among people in therelative importance to their self-esteem, of the feedback they receive. Personsfor whom it is almost the only factor of importance, and persons for whom theimportance is a good deal less. This is merely another way of saying: There areimmense difference among people in the degree of their autonomy.

Having worked for many years with persons who are unhappily pre-occupied withthe opinions of others, I am persuaded that the most effective means ofliberation is by raising the level of consciousness one brings to one's ownexperience. The more one turns up the volume on one's inner signals, the moreexternal signals tend to recede into proper balance. This entails:

• Learning to listen to the body,

• Learning to listen the emotions, and,

• Learning to think for oneself.

• What must an individual do to generate and sustain self-esteem?

• What patterns of actions must be adopted?

• What is the responsibility of you and me as adults?

In answering these questions, we develop a standard by which to answer thequestions:

• What must a child to, if he or she is to enjoy self-esteem?
• What is the desirable path of childhood development? And also:
• What practice should caring parents and teachers seek to evoke, stimulate, andsupport self-esteem in children?

In approaching the roots of self-esteem, why do we put our focus on practices?That is, on mental or physical actions. The answer is that every valuepertaining to life requires action to be achieved, sustained or enjoyed. Wepursue and maintain our values in the world through action. It is a person'sactions that are decisive. What determines the level of self-esteem is whatthe individual does within the context of his or her knowledge and values, andsince action in the world is a reflection of action within the mind of theindividual, it is ultimately the internal processes that are crucial.

We shall see that the six pillars of self-esteem -- the practices indispensableto the health of the mind, and the effective functioning of the person -- areall operations of consciousness, all involve choices. They are choices thatconfront us every hour of our existence. Note that practice, the termpractice, implies a discipline of acting a certain way over and over,consistently. It is not action by fits and starts, or even an appropriateresponse to a crisis -- rather it is a way of operating day by day, in bigissues and small -- a way of behaving that is also a way of being.

The Six Practices

Since self-esteem is a consequence, we cannot work on self-esteem directly,neither our own, or anyone else's. We must address ourselves to the source. Ifwe understand what these internal practices are, we can commit to initiatingthem within ourselves, and to dealing with others in such a way as tofacilitate or encourage them to do likewise.

To encourage self-esteem in the schools, or in the workplace, for instance, isto create a climate that supports and reinforces the practices that strengthenself-esteem. What then does healthy self-esteem depend on? What are thepractices of which I speak? I will name six that are demonstrably crucial. Icall them 'the six pillars of self-esteem'. It will not be difficult to see whyany improvements in these practices generate unmistakeable benefits.

Once we understand these practices, we have the power to choose them -- to workon integrating them into our way of life. The power to do so, is the power toraise the level of our self-esteem, from whatever point we may be starting, andhowever difficult the project may be in the early stages. One does not have toattain 'perfection' in these practices -- one only needs to raise one's averagelevel of performance to experience growth in self-efficacy and self-respect. Ihave often witnessed the most extraordinary changes in peoples lives as a resultof relatively small improvements in these practices. In fact, I encourageclients to think in terms of small steps rather than big ones, because big onescan intimidate (and paralyse), small ones seem more attainable, and one smallstep leads to another.

Here are The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem:

1. The practice of living consciously
2. The practice of self-acceptance
3. The practice of self-responsibility
4. The practice of self-assertiveness
5. The practice of living purposefully
6. The practice of personal integrity

Lets now examine each of them in turn.

The First Pillar of Self-Esteem is The Practice of Living Consciously.

In virtually all of the great spiritual and philosophical traditions of theworld there appears some form of the idea that most humans beings are sleepwalking through their own existence. Enlightenment is identified with waking up.Evolution and progress are identified with an expansion of consciousness. Why isconsciousness so important? Because for all species that possess it,consciousness is the basic tool of survival. It is the ability to be aware ofthe environment in some form, at some level, and to guide action accordingly. Iuse 'consciousness' here in it's primary meaning -- that is the state of beingconscious or aware of some aspect of reality. To the distinctively human form ofconsciousness with it's capacity for concept formation and abstract thought, wegive the name 'mind'. We are beings for whom consciousness at the conceptionallevel is volitional. This means that the design of our nature contains someextraordinary options -- that of seeking awareness, or not bothering, oractively avoiding it. That of seeking truth, or not bothering, or activelyavoiding it. That of focusing our mind, or not bothering, or choosing to drop toa lower level of consciousness. This capacity for self-management is our glory ,and at times, our burden. If we do not bring an appropriate level ofconsciousness to our activities -- if we do not live mindfully -- the inevitablepenalty is a diminished sense of self-efficacy and self-respect. We cannot feelcompetent and worthy while conducting our lives in a mental fog. Our mind isour basic tool of survival -- betray it, and self-esteem suffers.

Through the thousands of choices we make between thinking and non-thinking --being responsible toward reality or evading it -- we establish a sense of thekind of person we are. Consciously, we rarely remember these choices, but deepin our psyche they are added up, and the sum is that experience we callself-esteem.

Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves. We are not allequal in intelligence, but intelligence is not the issue. The principle ofliving consciously is unaffected by intelligence. To live consciously means toseek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values andgoals. Seek to the best of our ability, whatever that ability may be, and thento behave in accordance with that which we see and know.

The Betrayal of Consciousness

This last point bears emphasis. Consciousness that is not translated intoappropriate action is a betrayal of consciousness. Living consciously means morethan seeing and knowing. It means acting on what one sees and knows. Thus, Ican recognise that I have been hurtful or unfair to my spouse or child or myfriend, and I need to make amends. But I don't want to admit I made a mistake soprocrastinate, claiming I am still 'thinking' about the situation. This is theopposite of living consciously. At a fundamental level it is an avoidance ofconsciousness.

Living consciously is living responsibly towards reality. We do not necessarilyhave to like what we see, but we recognise that wishes or fears or denials donot alter facts. If I desire a new outfit, but need the money for rent, mydesire does not transform reality and make the purchase rational. If a statementis true, my denying it will not make it false. When we live consciously we donot confuse the subjective with the objective. We do not imagine that ourfeelings are an infallible guide to truth. We can learn from our feelings to besure, and they may even point us in the direction of important facts, but thisentail the participation of reason.

Let us look more closely at what the practice of living consciously includes.

The Specifics of Living Consciously

Living consciously entails:

• A mind that is active, rather than passive,
• An intelligence that takes joy in it's own function,
• Being 'in the moment' without losing the wider context,
• Reaching out toward relevant facts, rather than withdrawing from them,
• Being concerned to distinguish among facts, interpretations and emotions,
• Noticing and confronting any impulses to avoid or deny painful or threateningrealities,
• Being concerned to know where I am, relative to my various goals and projects,and whether I am succeeding or failing.
• Being concerned to know if my actions are in alignment with my purposes,searching for feedback from my environment so as to adjust my course whennecessary,
• Persevering in the attempt to understand in spite of difficulties,
• Being receptive to new knowledge, and willing to re-examine old assumptions,
• Being willing to see and correct mistakes,
• Seeking always to expand awareness, a commitment to learning, and therefore acommitment to growth as a way of life,
• A concern to understand the world around me,
• A concern to know not only external reality, but also internal reality -- thereality of my needs, feelings, aspirations and motives, so that I am not astranger or a mystery to myself,
• A concern to be aware of the values that move and guide me, as well as theirroots, so that I am not ruled by values I have irrationally adopted, oruncritically accepted from others.

All of us can look back and think of times when we did not bring to some concernas much consciousness as was needed. We tell ourselves 'If only I had thoughtmore', 'If only I had not been so impulsive', 'If only I had checked the factsmore carefully'. I think of my first marriage, when I was 22 years old. I thinkof all the signs that we were making a mistake -- the numerous conflicts betweenus, the incompatibilities in some of our values, the ways in which at the core,we were not each others 'type'. Why then, did I proceed? Because of our sharedcommitment to certain ideas and ideals. Because of sexual attraction. Because Idesperately wanted to have a woman in my life. Because she was the first personfrom whom I did not feel alienated and I lacked confidence that another wouldcome along. Because I naively imagined that marriage could solve all theproblems between us. There were 'reasons', to be sure.

Still, if someone had said to me (or if I had somehow thought to say to myself),'If you were to bring a higher level of consciousness to your relationship withBarbara, and do so steadily, day after day, what do you suppose might happen?' Ihave to wonder what I might have been led to face and come to grips with. To amind that is receptive, so simple yet provocative a question can haveastonishing potency.

The fact was, I examined neither the feelings driving me toward marriage, northe feelings signaling danger, I did not confront the logical and obviousquestions Why marry now? Why not wait until more is resolved between you? Andbecause of what I did not do, my self- esteem suffered a subtle wound -- somepart of me knew I was avoiding awareness-although it would be years before Ifully understood this.

There is an exercise that I give to therapy clients today that I wish I hadknown about then. The course of my life over the next decade or so might havebeen different. I will discuss this exercise and others like it below, but forthe moment let me say this. If for two weeks I had sat at my desk each morningand wrote the following incomplete sentence in my notebook: 'If I bring a higherlevel of consciousness to my relationship with Barbara --' and then wrote to 10endings as rapidly as I could, without rehearsing, censoring, planning, or'thinking,' I would have found myself making more and more conscious, explicit,and inescapable all the deep reservations I had about this relationship as wellas my process of avoidance and denial.

I have given this exercise to clients who are confused or conflicted about somerelationship, and the result almost invariably is major clarification.Sometimes the relationship radically improves; sometimes it ends. Had I knownto use this technique, I would have had to face the fact that loneliness wasdriving me more than admiration. If Barbara had done a similar exercise, shewould have realised that she was no more rational than I in what we werepreparing to do. Whether we would have had the courage and wisdom to stay atthis higher level of awareness is something I can only speculate about now. Thatone wakes up for a time is no guarantee that one will remain awake. Still,judging from the experience of my clients, it would have been extraordinarilydifficult for us to persist blindly on our course because we would no longerhave been blind, and opening one door clears the way to opening another and thenanother.

Sentence Completions to Facilitate the Art of Living Consciously

In the course of this program, I will give you suggestions for sentencecompletion exercises. Sentence completion work is a deceptively simple yetuniquely powerful tool for raising self-understanding, self-esteem and personaleffectiveness. It rests on the premise that all of us have more knowledge thatwe normally are aware of. Sentence completion is a tool for accessing andactivating these 'hidden resources'.

The essence of this procedure is to write an incomplete sentence, a sentencestem, and to keep adding different endings -- the sole requirement being thateach ending be a grammatical completion of the sentence. We want a minimum of 6endings, and 10 is plenty.

There are two ways to approach this. You may want to have a pen and paper handy,and do these exercises in the course of the program as you hear them, or, youmay want to first listen to the tape in it's entirety to get the overall flow,then return to the exercises at your leisure.

Here's what's important: Work as rapidly as possible -- no pauses to 'think', noworrying if any particular ending is true, reasonable or significant -- anyending is fine, just keep going!

When doing sentence completion this way, we work with a notebook, typewriter orcomputer. An alternative is to do the sentence completions into a tape recorder-- in which case you keep repeating the stem sentence into a recorder, each timecompleting it with a different ending. You play the work back later to reflecton it.

How might we use the technique to facilitate the process of learning to livemore consciously? First thing in the morning, before proceeding to the day'sbusiness, sit down and write the following sentence stem:

• Living consciously to me means --

Then, as rapidly as possible, without pausing for reflection, write as a leasthalf a dozen endings for that. Do not worry if your endings are literally true,make sense, or are 'profound.' Write anything, but write something. Aminimum of 6, 10 is plenty.

As an example of how it might go perhaps you'll write 'Living consciously to memeans -- really listening to my children', '-- being in the present', '--remembering the things I've got to do today', '-- noticing the emotional mood ofmy spouse and children', '-- thinking about the consequences of my actions', '--thinking about my choices and decisions before I translate them into action','-- noticing how I'm affecting by things people say or do', '-- noticing howpeople are affected by things I say or do', and so on.

When you're done, go on to the next stem, which is:

• If I bring 5 percent more awareness to my activities today --

And when you've done that, go onto this stem:

• If I pay more attention to how I deal with people today --

And finally:

• If I bring 5 percent to my most important relationships today --

When you're finished, proceed with your day's business. At the end of the day,as your last task before dinner, do 6 to 10 endings each, for the followingstems:

• When I reflect on how I would feel if I lived more consciously --
• When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to myactivities --
• When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5 percent more awareness to mymost important relationships --

Do this exercise every day, Monday through Friday for the first week. Do notread what you wrote the day before. Naturally there will be many repetitions,but also new endings will inevitably occur. Your energising all of your psycheto work for you. An average session should not take longer than 10 minutes. Ifit takes much longer, you are thinking too much.

Some time each weekend, re-read what you have written for the week, and thenwrite a minimum of 6 endings for this stem:

• If any of what I have been writing this week is true, it might be helpful ifI --

In doing this work the idea is to empty your mind of any expectations of whatwill happen, or what is supposed to happen. Do not impose any demands on thesituation. Try to empty your mind of expectations. Do the exercise, go aboutyour days activities, and merely notice any differences in how you feel or howyou operate. You will discover that you have set in motion forces that make itvirtually impossible for you to avoid operating more consciously.

In addition to my psychotherapy practice, I conduct weekly ongoing self-esteemgroups, where many of my self-esteem building strategies are continually tested.Sentence completion exercises have proven to be powerful in quietly and gentlygenerating change. No-one has ever done this particular consciousness exercisefor a month or two without showing signs of operating at a higher level ofawareness in the conduct of daily life. The exercise is an adrenaline shot intothe psyche.

After you have worked with these stems for say two weeks, you will acquire asense for how the procedure works, then you can begin to use other stems to helpraise your awareness with regard to particular issues of concern.

A Challenge

Living consciously is both a practice and a mindset -- an orientation towardlife, and clearly, it exists on a continuum. No-one lives entirelyunconsciously, and no-one is incapable of expanding his or her consciousness. Ifwe reflect on this issue we will notice that we tend to be more conscious insome areas of our life than in others. I have worked with athletes and dancerswho are exquisitely aware of the slightest nuances within their bodies, and yetwho are quite unaware of the meaning of their emotions. We all know people whoare brilliantly conscious in the area of work and are catastrophes ofunconsciousness in their personal relationships.

The ways we know what area of our life needs more awareness. We look at the areaof our life that is working least satisfactorily. We notice where the pains andfrustrations are. We observe where we feel least effective. If we are willing tobe honest, this is not a difficult task. Once you identify the areas in yourlife where you are at your most conscious, and also the areas where you areleast conscious, the next step is to reflect on what seems to be difficult aboutstaying in high-level mental focus in the troublesome areas. You might find itstimulating to consider the following questions:

• If you choose to be more conscious at work, what might you do differently?
• If you choose to be more conscious in your most important relationships, whatmight you do differently?
• If you choose to pay more attention to how you deal with people -- associates,employees, customers, spouse or friends -- what might you do differently?

• If you feel fear or reluctance to expand consciousness in any of these areas,what are the imagined negatives you are avoiding?
• If, without self-reproach, you bring more consciousness to your fears orreluctance, what might you notice?
• If you wanted to feel more powerful and effective in the areas where yourconsciousness has been less than it needs to be, what are you willing to do?

Pillar 2: The Practice of Self-Acceptance

The Second Pillar of Self-esteem, is Self-Acceptance.

Without self-acceptance, self-esteem is impossible. In fact, it is sointimately bound up with self-esteem that one some times sees the two ideasconfused. Yet they are different in meaning, and each needs to be understood inits own right. Whereas self-esteem is something we experience,self-acceptance is something we do.

The First Level

To be self-accepting, is to be on my own side -- to be for myself. In the mostfundamental sense, self-acceptance refers to an orientation of self-value andself-commitment that derives from the fact that I am alive and conscious. Assuch, it is more primitive than self-esteem. It is a pre-rational, pre-moral actof self-affirmation, it is a kind of natural egoism that is the birthright ofevery human being. Some people are self-rejecting at so deep a level that nogrowth work can even begin until and unless this problem is addressed. If it isnot, no treatment will hold, no new learning will be properly integrated, nosignificant advances can be made.

An attitude of basic self-acceptance entails the declaration 'I choose to valuemyself, to treat myself with respect, to stand up for my right to exist.' Thisprimary act of self-affirmation is the base on which self-esteem develops.

It can lie sleeping and then suddenly awake. It can fight for our life, evenwhen we are filled with despair. When we are on the brink of suicide, it canmake us pick up the telephone and call for help. From the depths of anxiety ordepression, it can lead us to the office of a psychotherapist. After we haveendured years of abuse and humiliation, it can fling us finally into shouting'No' When all we want to do is lie down and die, it can impel us to keepmoving. It is the voice of the life force. It is 'selfishness,' in the noblestmeaning of that word. If it goes silent, self-esteem is the first casualty.

The Second Level

Self-acceptance entails our willingness to experience -- without denial orevasion -- that we think what we think, feel what we feel, desire what wedesire, have done what we have done, and are what we are. It is our willingnessto experience rather than to disown whatever may be the facts of our being at aparticular moment.

The willingness to experience and accept our feelings carries no implicationthat emotions are to have the last word on what we do. I may not be in the moodto work today; I can acknowledge my feelings, experience them, accept them --and then go to work. I will work with a clearer mind because I have not begunthe day with self-deception.

Often,when we fully experience and accept negative feelings, we are able to letgo of them; they have been allowed to have their say and they relinquish centerstage.

Self-acceptance is the willingness to say of any emotion or behavior, 'This isan expression of me, not necessarily an expression I like or admire, but anexpression of me nonetheless, at least at the time it occurred.' It is thevirtue of realism, that is, of respect for reality, applied to the self.

If I am thinking these disturbing thoughts, I am thinking them; I accept thefull reality of my experience. If I am feeling pain or anger or fear orinconvenient lust, I am feeling it -- what is true, is true -- I do notrationalise, deny, or attempt to explain away. I am feeling what I am feelingand I accept the reality of my experience. If I have taken actions of which I amlater ashamed, the fact remains that I have taken them -- I do not twist mybrain to make facts disappear. I am willing to stand still in the presence ofwhat I know to be true. What is, is.

To 'accept' is more than simply to 'acknowledge' or 'admit.' It is toexperience, stand in the presence of, contemplate the reality of, absorb into myconsciousness. I need to open myself to and fully experience unwanted emotions,not just perfunctorily recognise them.

Accepting does not necessarily mean liking, enjoying or condoning. I can acceptwhat is, and be determined to evolve from there. It is not acceptance butdenial that leaves me stuck. I cannot be truly for myself -- I cannot buildself-esteem -- if I cannot accept myself.

The Third Level

Self-acceptance also entails the idea of compassion, of being a friend tomyself.

Suppose I have done something that I regret, or of which I am ashamed, and forwhich I reproach myself. Self-acceptance does not deny reality, does not arguethat what is wrong is really all right, but it inquires into the context inwhich the action was taken. It wants to understand the why. It wants to know whysomething that is wrong or inappropriate felt desirable or appropriate or evennecessary at the time.

We do not understand another human being when we know only that what he or shedid is wrong, unkind, destructive, or whatever. We need to know the internalconsiderations that prompted the behavior. There is always some context in whichthe most offensive actions can have their own kind of sense. This does not meanthey are justified, only that they can be understandable.

I can condemn some action I have taken and still have compassionate interest inthe motives that prompted it. I can still be a friend to myself. This hasnothing to do with alibiing, rationalising, or avoiding responsibility. A goodfriend might say to me, 'This was unworthy of you. Now tell me, What made itfeel like a good idea, or at least a defensible one?'. This too, is what I cansay to myself.

Just as when we need to reproach or correct others, we should wish to do so inways that do not damage self-esteem -- so we should bring this same benevolenceto ourselves. This is the virtue of self-acceptance.

An Exercise

By way of introducing clients to the idea of self-acceptance, I often like tobegin with a simple exercise. It can offer a profound learning experience.

Stand in front of a full-length mirror and look at your face and body. Noticeyour feelings as you do so. I am asking you to focus not on your clothes or yourmakeup but on you. Notice if this is difficult or makes you uncomfortable. Itis good to do this exercise naked.

You will probably like some parts of what you see more than others. If you arelike most people, you will find some parts difficult to look at for long becausethey agitate or displease you. In your eyes there may be a pain you do not wantto confront. Perhaps you are too fat or too thin. Perhaps there is some aspectof your body you so dislike that you can hardly bear to keep looking at it.Perhaps you see signs of age and cannot bear to stay connected with the thoughtsand emotions these signs evoke. So the impulse is to escape, to flee fromawareness, to reject, deny, disown aspects of your self.

Stay focused on your image in the mirror a few moments longer, and say toyourself, 'Whatever my defects or imperfections, I accept myself unreservedlyand completely.' Stay focused, breathe deeply, and say this over and over againfor a minute or two without rushing the process. Allow yourself to experiencefully the meaning of your words.

You may find yourself protesting, 'But I don't like certain things about mybody, so how can I accept them unreservedly and completely?' But remember:'Accepting' does not necessarily mean 'liking.'. 'Accepting' does not mean wecannot imagine or wish for changes or improvements. It means experiencing,without denial or avoidance, that a fact is a fact. In this case, it meansaccepting that the face and body in the mirror are your face and body and thatthey are what they are.

Even though you may not like or enjoy everything you see when you look in themirror, you are still able to say, 'Right now, that's me. And I don't deny thefact. I accept it.' That is respect for reality. When clients commit to do thisexercise for two minutes every morning and again every night for two weeks, theysoon begin to experience the relationship between self-acceptance andself-esteem.

That relationship is: a mind that honors sight, honors itself, but more thanthat: How can self-esteem not suffer, if we are in a rejecting relationship toour own physical being? Is it realistic to imagine we can love ourselves whiledespising what we see in the mirror.

Those who do this exercise make another important discovery. Not only do theyenter a more harmonious relationship with themselves, not only do they begin togrow in self-efficacy and self-respect, but if aspects of the self they do notlike are within their power to change, they are more motivated to make thechanges, once they have accepted the facts as they are now. We are not moved tochange those things whose reality we deny. What about those things we cannotchange? When we accept them we grow stronger and more centered; when we curseand protest them, we disempower ourselves.

When Self-Acceptance Feels Impossible

Suppose our negative reaction to some experience is so overwhelming that we feelwe cannot practice self-acceptance with regard to it?

Let us say, the feeling, thought, or memory is so distressing and agitating thatacceptance feels out of the question. We feel powerless not to block andcontract. The solution is not to try to resist our resistance. It is not usefulto try to block a block. Instead, we need to do something more artful. If wecannot accept a feeling (or a thought ora memory), we should accept ourresistance. In other words, start by accepting where we are. Be present to thenow and experience it fully. If we stay with the resistance at a consciouslevel, it will usually begin to dissolve.

When we fight a block it grows stronger. When we acknowledge, experience, andaccept it, it begins to meltbecause it's continued existence requiresopposition.

Sometimes in therapy, when a person has difficulty accepting a feeling, I willask if he or she is willing to accept the fact of refusing to accept thefeeling. I asked this once of a client who was a clergyman and who had greatdifficulty in owning or experiencing his anger; just the same, he was a veryangry man. My request disoriented him. 'Will I accept that I won't accept myanger?' he asked me. When I answered, 'That's right,' he thundered, 'I refuseto accept my anger and I refuse to accept my refusal!' I asked, 'Will youaccept your refusal to accept your refusal? We've got to begin somewhere. Let'sbegin there.'

I asked him to face the group and say 'I'm angry' over and over again. Soon hewas saying it very angrily indeed.

Then I had him say 'I refuse to accept my anger,' which he shouted withescalating vigor.

Then I had him say 'I refuse to accept my refusal to accept my anger,' whichhe plunged into ferociously.

Then I had him say 'But I am willing to accept my refusal to accept my refusal,'and he kept repeating it until he broke down and joined in the laughter of thegroup.

'If you can't accept the experience, accept the resistance,' he said, and Ianswered, 'Right. And if you can't accept the resistance, accept your resistanceto accepting the resistance. Eventually you'll arrive at a point you can accept.Then you can move forward from there...'

Listening to Feelings

Both accepting and disowning are implemented through a combination of mental andphysical processes.

The act of experiencing and accepting our emotions is implemented through:

1. Focusing on the feeling or emotion, then,
2. Breathing gently and deeply, allowing muscles to relax, allowing the feelingto be felt, and finally,
3. Making real that this is my feeling. This is what we call owning it.

In contrast, we deny and disown our emotions through:

1. Avoiding awareness of their reality, then,
2. Constricting our breathing and tightening our muscles to cut off or numbfeeling, and finally,
3. Disassociating ourselves from our own experience.

Two Fallacies

We typically encounter two fallacious assumptions when people have difficultywith the idea of self-acceptance. One is the belief that if we accept who andwhat we are, we must approve of everything about us. The other is the beliefthat if we accept who and what we are, we are indifferent to change orimprovement.

But of course the question is: If we cannot accept what is, where will we findthe motivation to improve? If I deny and disown what is, how will I be inspiredto grow?

There is a paradox here: Acceptance of what is, is the precondition of change.And denial of what is leaves me stuck in it.

Sentence Completions to Facilitate Self-Acceptance

Lets try some sentence completion exercises designed to facilitateself-acceptance.

Each morning, write 6 to 10 endings for the following sentence stems as rapidlyas possible (again, do not worry if your endings are literally true, make senseor are profound):

• Self-acceptance to me means --
• If I am more accepting of my body --
• When I deny and disown my body --
• If I am more accepting of my conflicts --

That's all. When you're finished, proceed with your day's business. In theevening, do 6 to 10 endings each for the following stems:

• When I deny or disown my conflicts --
• If I am more accepting of my feelings --
• When I deny and disown my feelings --
• If I am more accepting of my thoughts --
• When I deny and disown my thoughts --

Do this exercise every day, Monday through Friday. On the weekend, read overwhat you have written, and then write 6 to 10 endings for this stem:

• If any of what I have been writing is true, it might be helpful if I --

The Ultimate Crime Against Ourselves: The Disowning of Positives

Anything we have the possibility of experiencing, we have the possibility ofdisowning, either immediately or later, in memory. As the philosopher Nietzschewrote: ' 'I did it,' says memory. 'I couldn't have,' says pride, and remainsrelentless. Eventually memory yields.'. I can rebel against my memories,thoughts, emotions, actions. I can reject rather than accept virtually anyaspect of my experience.

I can refuse to accept my sensuality. I can refuse to accept my spirituality. Ican disown my sorrow; I can disown my joy. I can repress the memory of actionsof which I am ashamed; I can repress the memory of actions of which I am proud.I can deny my ignorance; I can deny my intelligence. I can refuse to accept mylimitations; I can refuse to accept my potentials. I can conceal my weaknesses;I can conceal my strengths. I can deny my feelings of self-hatred; I can deny myfeelings of self-love. I can pretend that I am more than I am; I can pretendthat I am less than I am. I can disown my body; I can disown my mind. We can beas frightened of our assets as of our shortcomings -- as frightened of ourgenius, ambition, excitement, or beauty as we are of our emptiness, passivity,depression, or unattractiveness. If our liabilities pose the problem ofinadequacy, our assets pose the challenge of responsibility.

The greatest crime we commit against ourselves is not that we may deny anddisown our shortcomings but that we deny and disown our greatness-because itfrightens us. If a fully realised self-acceptance does not evade the worstwithin us, neither does it evade the best.

Pillar 3: The Practice of Self-Responsibility

The Third Pillar of Self-Esteem, is The Practice of Self-Responsibility.

To feel competent to live and worthy of happiness, I need to experience a senseof control over my existence. This requires that I be willing to takeresponsibility for my actions and the attainment of my goals. This means that Itake responsibility for my life and well-being.

Self-responsibility is essential to self-esteem, and it is also a reflectionor manifestation of self-esteem. The relationship between self-esteem, and it'spillars is always reciprocal: The practices that generate self-esteem are alsonatural expressions and consequences of self-esteem.

The practice of self-responsibility entails these realisations:

• I am responsible for the achievement of my desires.
• I am responsible for my choices and actions.
• I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my work.
• I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships.
• I am responsible for my behavior with other people -- coworkers, associates,customers, spouse, children, friends.
• I am responsible for how I prioritise my time.
• I am responsible for my personal happiness.
• I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live.
• I am responsible for raising my self-esteem.

Once when I was lecturing to a group of psychotherapists on the six pillars ofself-esteem, one of them asked me, 'Why do you put your emphasis on what theindividual must do to grow in self-esteem? Isn't the source of self-esteem thefact that we are children of God?' I have encountered this question a number oftimes.

Whether one believes in a God, and whether one believes we are God's children,is irrelevant to the issue of what self-esteem requires. Let us imagine thatthere is a God and that we are his/her/its children. In this respect, then, weare all equal. Does it follow that everyone is or should be equal inself-esteem, regardless of whether anyone lives consciously or unconsciously,responsibly or irresponsibly, honestly or dishonestly? Earlier in this book wesaw that this is impossible. There is no way for our mind to avoid registeringthe choices we make in the way we operate and no way for our sense of self toremain unaffected. If we are children of God, the questions remain: What are wegoing to do about it? What are we going to make of it? Will we honor our giftsor betray them? If we betray ourselves and our powers, if we live mindlessly,purposelessly, and without integrity, can we buy our way out,can we acquireself-esteem, by claiming to be God's relatives? Do we imagine we can thusrelieve ourselves of personal responsibility?

Whatever role a belief in God may play in our lives, surely it is not to justifya default on consciousness, responsibility, and integrity.

A Clarification

In stressing that we need to take responsibility for our life and happiness, Iam not suggesting that a person never suffers through accident or through thefault of others, or that a person is responsible for everything that may happento him or her.

I do not support the grandiose notion that 'I am responsible for every aspect ofmy existence and everything that befalls me.' Some things we have control over;others we do not. If I hold myself responsible for matters beyond my control, Iput my self-esteem in jeopardy, since inevitably I will fail my expectations. IfI deny responsibility for matters that are within my control, again I jeopardisemy self-esteem. I need to know the difference between that which is up to me andthat which is not. The only consciousness over which I have volitional controlis my own.

Examples

It is easy enough in work situations to observe the difference between those whopractice self-responsibility and those who do not. Self-responsibility shows upas an active orientation to work (and to life) rather than a passive one.

If there is a problem, men and women who are self-responsible ask, 'What can Ido about it? What avenues of action are possible to me?' If something goeswrong, they ask, 'What did I overlook? Where did I miscalculate? How can Icorrect the situation?' They do not protest, 'But no one told me what to do! 'or 'But it's not my job!' They indulge neither in alibis nor in blaming. Theyare typically solution oriented.

In every organisation we encounter both types: those who wait for someone elseto provide a solution and those who take responsibility for finding it. It isonly by grace of the second type that organisations are able to operateeffectively.

A Personal Example

In the overall conduct of my life, I would say that I have always operated at afairly high level of self-responsibility. I did not look to others to providefor my needs or wants. But I can think of a time when I failed my own principlesrather badly, with painful results.

In my twenties I formed an intense relationship with novelist-philosopher AynRand. Over the course of eighteen years, our relationship passed through almostevery form imaginable: from student and teacher to friends and colleagues tolovers and partners-and, ultimately, to adversaries. The story of thisrelationship is the dramatic centerpiece of Judgment Day. In the beginning andfor some years, the relationship was nurturing, inspiring, valuable in manyways; I learned and grew enormously. But eventually it became constricting,toxic, destructive-a barrier to my further intellectual and psychologicaldevelopment.

I did not take the initiative and propose that our relationship be redefined andreconstituted on a different basis. I told myself I did not want to cause pain.I waited for her to see what I saw. I looked to her rationality and wisdom toreach the decision that would be right for both of us. In effect, I was relatingto an abstraction, the author of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, ratherthan to the concrete woman in front of me. I did not confront the fact that heragenda was very different from mine and that she was totally absorbed in her ownneeds. I delayed facing the fact that nothing would change unless I made itchange. And because I delayed, I caused suffering and humiliation to us both. Iavoided a responsibility that was mine to take. No matter what explanations Igave myself, there was no way for my self-esteem to remain unaffected. Only whenI began to take the initiative did I begin the process of regaining what I hadlost.

We often see this pattern in marriages. One partner sees before the other thatthe relationship is finished. But he or she does not want to be 'the bad guy,'the one to end things. So instead manipulation begins, to lead the other to makethe first move. It is cruel, degrading, lacking in dignity, and hurtful to bothpeople. It is self-demeaning and self- diminishing.

To the extent that I evade responsibility, I inflict wounds on my self-esteem.In accepting responsibility, I build self-esteem.

The Moral Principle

Embracing self-responsibility not merely as a personal preference but as aphilosophical principle entails one's acceptance of a profoundly important moralidea. In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognisethat other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for thesatisfaction of our needs. We are not morally entitled to treat other humanbeings as means to our ends, just as we are not a means to theirs.

In my therapy practice and my self-esteem groups, I work with a great number ofsentence stems that allow clients to explore the psychology ofself-responsibility. I offer a representative sampling here. Each morning, asrapidly as possible, write 6 to 10 endings for the following sentence stems:

• Self-responsibility to me means --
• At the thought of being responsible for my own existence --
• If I accepted responsibility for my own existence, that would mean --
• When I avoid responsibility for my own existence --
• If I accept 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my own goals--
• When I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals --
• If I took more responsibility for the success of my relationships --
• Sometimes I keep myself passive by --

If you keep a journal and over time write six to ten endings for each of theseincomplete sentences, not only will you learn a great deal but it will be almostimpossible not to grow in the practice of self-responsibility.

The best way of working is to do the foregoing stems Monday through Friday, thendo the following weekend stem:

• If any of what I have been writing is true, it might be helpful if I --

No One Is Coming

Having worked with people for so many years with the aim of buildingself-esteem, I have always been on the lookout for decisive moments inpsychotherapy, instances when a 'click' seems to occur in the client's mind andnew forward motion begins.

One of the most important of such moments is when the client grasps that no-oneis coming. No-one is coming to save me. No-one is coming to make life right forme. No-one is coming to solve my problems. If I don't do something different,nothing is going to get better.

Some years ago, in my group therapy room, we hung on the wall a number ofsayings that I often found useful in my work. A client made me a gift of severalof these sayings done in needlepoint, each with a frame. One of these sayingswas 'no-one is coming'. One day a group member with a sense of humour challengedme about it: 'Nathaniel, it's not true!', he said, 'You came!'. 'Correct', Iadmitted, 'but I came to say that no-one is coming'.

Pillar 4: The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

The fourth pillar of self-esteem is the practice of self-assertiveness.

Self-assertiveness means honouring my wants needs and values, and seekingappropriate forms of their expression in reality.

It's opposite is that surrender to timidity that consists of consigning myselfto a perpetual underground, where everything I am lays hidden or stillborn. Toavoid confrontation with someone whose values differ from mine, or to please,placate or manipulate someone, or, simply, to 'belong'.

Self-assertion does not mean belligerence, or inappropriate aggressiveness. Itdoes not mean pushing to the front of the line, or knocking other people over.It does not mean upholding my own rights by being blind or indifferent toeveryone else's.

It simply means the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly,to treat myself with respect in all human encounters.

To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically -- to speak and act formy inner-most convictions and feelings -- as a way of life, as a rule --allowing for the obvious fact that there may be particular circumstances inwhich I may justifiably choose not to do so.

Appropriate self-assertiveness pays attention to context. The forms ofself-expression appropriate when playing on the floor with a child are obviouslydifferent than at a staff meeting. In every context there will be appropriateand inappropriate forms of self-expression. Sometimes self-assertiveness ismanifested through volunteering an idea or paying a compliment. Sometimesthrough a polite silence that signals non-agreement. Sometimes by refusing tosmile at a tasteless joke. While appropriate self-expression varies with thecontext -- in every situation there is a choice to be authentic or unauthentic;real or unreal. If we do not want to face this of course we will deny that wehave a choice -- we will assert that we are helpless, but the choice isalways there.

Let's examine what self-assertiveness is, and is not.

1. The first and basic act of self-assertion is the assertion of consciousness.This entails the choice to see, think, to be aware, to send the light ofconsciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our own being. Toask questions is an act of self-assertion. To challenge authority is an actof self-assertion. To think for oneself -- and to stand by what one thinks --is the root of self-assertion. To default on this responsibility is todefault on the self at the most basic level.

Note that self-assertiveness should not be confused with mindlessrebelliousness. 'Self-assertiveness' without consciousness is notself-assertiveness; it is drunk-driving.

Sometimes people who are essentially dependent and fearful choose a form ofassertiveness that is self-destructive. It consists of reflexively saying 'No!'when their interests would be better served by saying 'Yes.' Their only form ofself-assertiveness is protest -- whether it makes sense or not. We often seethis response among teenagers -- and among adults who have never matured beyondthis teenage level of consciousness.

While healthy self-assertiveness requires the ability to say no, it isultimately tested not by what we are against but by what we are for. A life thatconsists only of a string of negations is a waste and a tragedy.

Self-assertiveness asks that we not only oppose,what we deplore but that we liveand express our values. In this respect, it is intimately tied to the issue ofintegrity.

2. To practice self-assertiveness logically and consistently is to be committedto my right to exist, which proceeds from the knowledge that my life doesnot belong to others and that I am not here on earth to live up to someoneelse's expectations. To many people, this is a terrifying responsibility.It means that Mother and Father and other authority figures cannot be countedon as protectors. It means they are responsible for their own existence --and for generating their own sense of security.

To practice self-assertiveness consistently I need the conviction that my ideasand wants are important. Unfortunately, this conviction is often lacking. Whenwe were young, many of us received signals conveying that what we thought andfelt or wanted was not important.

It often takes courage to honor what we want and to fight for it. For manypeople, self-surrender and self-sacrifice are far easier. They do not requirethe integrity and responsibility that intelligent selfishness requires.

3. Within an organisation, self-assertiveness is required not merely to , have agood idea but to develop it, fight for it, work to win supporters for it, doeverything within one's power to see that it gets translated into reality. Itis the lack of this practice that causes so many potential contributions todie before they are born.

As a consultant, when I am asked to work with a team that has difficultyfunctioning effectively on some project, I often find that one source of thedysfunction is one or more people who do not really participate, do not reallyput themselves into the undertaking. Why? Because of some feeling that they donot have the power to make a difference, they do not believe that theircontribution can matter. In their passivity they became saboteurs. A projectmanager remarked to me, 'I'd rather worry about handling some egomaniac whothinks he's the whole project than struggle with some self-doubting but talentedindividual whose insecurities stop him from kicking in what he's got to offer.'

Without appropriate self-assertiveness, we are spectators, not participants.Healthy self-esteem asks that we leap into the arena -- that we be willing toget our hands dirty.

Persons with an underdeveloped sense of identity often tell themselves, if Iexpress myself, I may evoke disapproval. If I love and affirm myself, I mayevoke resentment. If I am too happy with myself, I may evoke jealousy. If Istand out, I may be compelled to stand alone. Such people remain frozen in theface of such possibilities -- and pay a terrible price in loss of self-esteem.

4. Self-assertion entails the willingness to confront rather than evade thechallenges of life and to strive for mastery. When we expand the boundariesof our ability to cope, we expand self-efficacy and self-respect. When wecommit ourselves to new areas of learning, when we take on tasks that stretchus, we raise personal power. We thrust ourselves further into the universe.We assert our existence.

When we are attempting to understand something and we hit a wall, it is an actof self-assertiveness to persevere. When we undertake to acquire new skills,absorb new knowledge, extend the reach of our mind across unfamiliar spaces --when we commit ourselves to moving to a higher level of competence -- we arepracticing self-assertiveness.

When we learn how to be in an intimate relationship without abandoning our senseof self, when we learn how to be kind without being self-sacrificing, when welearn how to cooperate with others without betraying our standards andconvictions, then, we are practicing self-assertiveness.

Some people stand and move as if they have no right to the space theyoccupy. Some speak as if their intention is that you not be able to hear them,either because they mumble or speak faintly or both. Some signal at the mostcrudely obvious level that they do not feel they have a right to exist. Thesepeople embody lack of self-assertiveness in its most extreme form. Their poorself-esteem is obvious. In therapy, when such men and women learn to move andspeak with more assurance, they invariably report a rise in self-esteem.

Not all manifestations of non-self-assertiveness are obvious. The average lifeis marked by thousands of unremembered silences, surrenders, capitulations, andmisrepresentations of feelings and beliefs that corrode dignity andself-respect. When we do not express ourselves, do not assert our being, do notstand up for our values in contexts where it is appropriate to do so, we inflictwounds on our sense of self. The world does not do it to us -- we do it toourselves.

Consider the example of a young man sits alone in the darkness of a movietheater, deeply inspired by the drama unfolding before him. The story toucheshim so deeply that tears come to his eyes. He knows that in a week or so he willwant to come back and see this film again. In the lobby he spots a friend whowas at the same screening, and they greet each other. He searches his friend'sface for clues to his feelings about the movie; but the face is blank. Thefriend inquires, 'How'd you like the picture?' The young man feels an instantstab of fear; he does not want to appear 'uncool.' He does not want to say thetruth -- 'I loved it. It touched me very deeply.' So instead he shrugsindifferently and says, 'Not bad.' He does not know that he has just slapped hisown face; or rather, he does not know it consciously. His diminished self-esteemknows it.

A woman is at a cocktail party where she hears someone make an ugly racial slurthat causes her inwardly to cringe. She wants to say, 'I found that offensive.'She knows that evil gathers momentum by being uncontested. But she is afraid ofevoking disapproval. In embarrassment she looks away and says nothing. Later, toappease her sense of uneasiness, she tells herself, 'What difference does itmake? The man was a fool' But her self-esteem knows what difference it makes.

A Personal Example

I have already mentioned the relationship with Ayn Rand a month before mytwentieth birthday and that came to an explosive parting of the ways eighteenyears later. Among the many benefits that I received from her in the earlyyears, one was an experience of profound visibility. I felt understood andappreciated by her to an extent that was without precedent. What made herresponse so important was the high esteem in which I held her; I admired herenormously.

Only gradually did I realise that she did not tolerate disagreement well. Notamong intimates. She did not require full agreement among acquaintances, butwith anyone who wanted to be truly close, enormous enthusiasm was expected forevery deed and utterance. I did not notice the steps by which I learned tocensor negative reactions to some of her behavior -- when, for example, I foundher self-congratulatory remarks excessive or her lack of empathy disquieting orher pontificating unworthy of her. I did not give her the kind of correctivefeedback everyone needs from time to time.

In later years, after the break, I often reflected on why I did not speak upmore often. The simple truth was, I valued her esteem too much to place it injeopardy. I had, in effect, become addicted to it. In exchange for theintoxicating gratification of being treated as a demigod by the person I valuedabove all others and whose good opinion I treasured above all others, I leashedmy self-assertiveness in ways that over time were damaging to my self-regard.

In the end, I learned an invaluable lesson. I learned that surrenders of thiskind do not work; they merely postpone confrontations that are inevitable andnecessary. I learned that the temptation to self-betrayal can sometimes be worstwith those about whom we care the most. I learned that no amount of admirationfor another human being can justify sacrificing one's judgment.

Sentence Completions to Facilitate Self-Assertiveness

The following sentence stems can facilitate reaching a deeper understanding ofself-assertiveness. Each morning for each stem, write 6 to 10 endings as rapidlyas possible.

• Self-assertiveness to me means --
• If I lived 5 percent more self-assertively today --
• If I brought more awareness to my deepest needs and wants --
• If I were willing to voice my thoughts and opinions more often --
• When I suppress my thoughts and opinions --

And, as before, on the weekend, after rereading the week's stems, write 6 to 10endings for this one:

• If any of what I have been writing is true, it might be helpful if I --

Courage

Once again we can appreciate that the actions that support healthy self-esteem'are also expressions of healthy self-esteem. Self- assertiveness both supportsself-esteem and is a manifestation of it. It is a mistake to look at someonewho is self-assured and say, 'Well, it's easy for her to be self-assertive, shehas good self-esteem.' One of the ways we build self-esteem is by beingself-assertive when it is not easy to do so. There are always times whenself-assertiveness calls on our courage.

The Fifth Pillar of Self-Esteem is The Practice of Living Purposefully.

I have a friend in his late sixties who is one of the most brilliant andsought-after business speakers in the country. A few years ago he reconnectedwith a woman he had known and loved many years earlier, with whom he had beenout of touch for three decades. She, too, was now in her sixties. They fellpassionately in love.

Telling me about it one evening at dinner, my friend had never looked happier.It was wonderful to be with him and to see the look of rapture on his face .Thinking, perhaps, of the two divorces in his past, he said, wistfully andurgently, 'God, I hope I handle things right this time. I want this relationshipto succeed so much. I wish, I mean I want -- I hope -- you know, that I don'tscrew up.' I was silent and he asked, 'Got any advice?'

'Well, yes, I do,' I answered. 'If you want it to work, you must make it yourconscious purpose that it work. ' He leaned forward intently, and I went on. 'Ican just imagine what your reaction would be if you were at IBM and someexecutive said, 'Gee, I hope we handle the marketing of this new productproperly. I really want us to succeed with this, and I wish --' You'd be allover him in a minute saying, 'What is this hope stuff? What do you mean, youwish?' My advice is, apply what you know about the importance of purpose -- inbusiness -- to your personal life.

His elated smile said eloquently that he understood.

This leads me to the subject of living purposefully.

To live without purpose is to live at the mercy of chance -- the chance event,the chance phone call, the chance encounter -- because we have no standard bywhich to judge what is or is not worth doing. Outside forces bounce us along,like a cork floating on water, with no initiative of our own to set a specificcourse. Our orientation to life is reactive rather than proactive. We aredrifters.

To live purposefully is to use our powers for the attainment of goals we haveselected: the goal of studying, of raising a family, of earning a living, ofstarting a new business, of bringing a new product into the marketplace, ofsustaining a happy romantic relationship. It is our goals that lead us forward,that call on the exercise of our faculties, that energise our existence.

Productivity and Purpose

To live purposefully is, among other things, to live productively, which is anecessity of making ourselves competent to life. Productivity is the act ofsupporting our existence by translating our thoughts into reality, of settingour goals and working for their achievement, of bringing knowledge, goods, orservices into existence.

Self-responsible men and women do not pass to others the burden of supportingtheir existence. It is not the degree of a person's productive ability thatmatters here but the person's choice to exercise such ability as he or shepossesses. Nor is it the kind of work selected that is important, provided thework is not intrinsically antilife, but whether a person seeks work that offersan outlet for his or her intelligence, if the opportunity to do so exists.

The purposes that move us need to be specific if they are to be realised. Icannot organise my behavior optimally if my goal is merely 'to do my best.' Theassignment is too vague. My goal needs to be precisely defined, for example: toearn a specific sum of money in commissions by the end of the year; exercise onthe treadmill for 30 minutes, 4 times a week; to achieve a specific market nicheby a specific means by a specific target date. With such specificity, I am ableto monitor my progress, compare intentions with results, modify my strategy ormy tactics in response to new information, and be accountable for the results Iproduce.

To live purposefully is to be concerned with these questions: What am I tryingto achieve? How am I trying to achieve it? Why do I think these means areappropriate? Does the feedback from the environment convey that I am succeedingor failing? Is there new information that I need to consider? Do I need to makeadjustments in my course, or in my strategy, or in my practices? Do my goals andpurposes need to be rethought? Thus, to live purposefully means to live at ahigh level of consciousness.

It is easier for people to understand these ideas as applied to work than topersonal relationships. That may be why more people make a success of their worklife than of their marriages. Everyone knows it is not enough to say 'I love mywork.' One must show up at the office and do something. Otherwise, the businessmoves toward non-existence.

In intimate relationships, however, it is easy to imagine that 'love' is enough,that happiness will just come, and if it doesn't, this means we are wrong foreach other. People rarely ask themselves, 'If my goal is to have a successfulrelationship, what must I do? What actions are needed to create and sustaintrust, intimacy, continuing self-disclosure, excitement, growth?'

Purposes unrelated to a plan of action do not get realised. They exist only asfrustrated yearnings. Or more precisely -- as daydreams. Daydreams do notproduce the experience of efficacy.

Self-Discipline

To live purposefully and productively requires that we cultivate withinourselves a capacity for self-discipline. Self-discipline is the ability toorganise our behavior over time in the service of specific tasks. No-one who iswithout the capacity for self-discipline can feel competent to cope with thechallenges of life. Self-discipline requires the ability to defer immediategratification in the service of a remote goal. This is the ability to think,plan, and live long-range. Neither an individual nor a business can functioneffectively, let alone flourish, in the absence of this practice.

One of the challenges of effective parenthood or effective teaching is tocommunicate a respect for the present that does not disregard the future, and arespect for the future that does not disregard the present. To master thisbalance is a challenge to all of us. It is essential if we are to enjoy thesense of being in control of our existence.

A purposeful, self-disciplined life does not mean a life without time or spacefor rest, relaxation, recreation, random or even frivolous activity. It merelymeans that such activities are chosen consciously, with the knowledge that it issafe and appropriate to engage in them. And in any event, the temporaryabandonment of purpose also serves a purpose, whether consciously intended ornot: that of regeneration.

What Living Purposefully Entails

The practice of living purposefully entails the following 4 core issues:

1. Taking responsibility for formulating one's goals and purposes consciously.
2. Identifying the actions necessary to achieve one's goals.
3. Monitoring behavior to check that it is in alignment with one's goals.

4. Paying attention to the outcomes of one's actions, to know whether they areleading where one wants to go.

Thinking Clearly About Purposeful Living

1. As an example of the confusions that can surround the issue of livingpurposefully, consider the extraordinary statement made by psychiatrist IrvinD. Yalom in his book Existential Psychotherapy. He writes, 'The belief thatlife is incomplete without goal fulfillment is not so much a tragicexistential fact of life as it is a Western myth, a cultural artifact.'

But, if there is anything we know, it is that life is impossible without 'goalfulfillment' -- impossible on every level of evolution, from the amoeba to thehuman being. It is neither 'a tragic existential fact' nor a 'Western myth' butrather the simple nature of life.

The alternative to 'goal fulfillment' is passivity and aimlessness. Is it atragedy that such a state does not yield a joy equal to the joys of achievement?

Incidentally, let us remember that 'goal fulfillment' is not confined to'worldly' goals. A life of study or meditation has its own kind ofpurposefulness -- or it can have. But a life without purpose can hardly be saidto be human.

2. To observe that the practice of living purposefully is essential to fullyrealised self-esteem should not be understood to mean that the measure of anindividual's worth is his or her external achievements. The root of ourself-esteem is not our achievements but those internally generated practicesthat, among other things, make it possible for us to achieve -- all theself-esteem virtues we are discussing here. Steel industrialist AndrewCarnegie once stated, 'You can take away our factories, take away our trade,our avenues of transportation and our money -- leave us with nothing but ourorganisation -- and in four years we could reestablish ourselves.' Carnegie'spoint was that power lies in the source of wealth, not in the wealth; in thecause, not the effect. The same principle applies to the relationship betweenself-esteem and external achievements.

3. Productive achievement may be an expression of high self-esteem, but it isnot its primary cause. Consider a person who is brilliantly talented andsuccessful at work, but is irrational and irresponsible in his or her privatelife. Such a person may want to believe that the sole criterion of virtueis productive performance and that no other sphere of action has moral orself-esteem significance. And such a person may hide behind work in order toevade feelings of shame and guilt stemming from other areas of life. Then,productive work becomes not so much a healthy passion as an avoidancestrategy, a refuge from realities one feels frightened to face.

In addition, if a person's self-esteem is tied primarily to accomplishments,success or income, the danger is that economic circumstances beyond theindividual's control may lead to the failure of the business or the loss of ajob, flinging him into depression or acute demoralisation.

On occasion I have counseled older men and women who found themselvesunemployed, passed over in favor of people a good deal younger who were in noway better equipped, or even as well equipped, for the particular job. I havealso worked with highly talented young people who suffered from a reverse formof the same prejudice, a discrimination against youth in favor of age -- where,again, objective competence and ability were not the standard. In suchcircumstances, often those involved suffer a feeling of loss of personaleffectiveness. Such a feeling is only a hairline away from a sense ofdiminished self- esteem-and often turns into it. It takes an unusual kind ofperson to avoid falling into the trap of this error. It takes a person who isalready well centered and who understands that some of the forces operating arebeyond personal control and, strictly speaking, and should not have significancefor self-esteem. It is not that they may not suffer or feel anxiety for thefuture; it is that they do not interpret the problem in terms of personal worth.

When a question of self-esteem is involved, the question to ask is: Is thismatter within my direct, volitional control? Or is it at least linked by adirect line of causality · to matters within my direct, volitional control? Ifit isn't, it is irrelevant to self-esteem and should be perceived to be, howeverpainful or even devastating the problem may be on other grounds.

Personal Examples

When I think of what living purposefully means in my life, I think first oftaking responsibility for generating the actions necessary to achieve my goals.Living purposefully overlaps significantly with self-responsibility.

I think of a time when I wanted something I could not afford that represented asignificant improvement in my way of living. A fairly large expenditure of moneywas involved. For several years I remained uncharacteristically passive aboutfinding a solution. Then one day I had a thought that certainly was not new tome and yet somehow had fresh impact: If I don't do something, nothing is goingto change: This jolted me out of my procrastination, of which I had been dimlyaware for a long time but had not confronted. I proceeded to conceive andimplement a project that was stimulating, challenging, profoundly satisfying andworthwhile -- and that produced the additional income I needed.

In principle, I could have done it several years earlier. Only when I becamebored and irritated with my own procrastination; only when I decided, 'I commitmyself to finding a solution over the next few weeks'; only when I applied whatI know about living purposefully to my own situation -- only then did I launchmyself into action and toward a solution.

When I did, I noticed that not only was I happier but also that my self-esteemrose.

When I told this story in one of my self-esteem groups, I was challenged bysomeone who said, 'That's okay for you. But not everyone is in a position todevelop new projects. What are we to do?' I invited him to talk about his ownprocrastination and about the unfulfilled desire involved. 'If you made it yourconscious purpose to achieve that desire,' I asked, 'what might you do?' After abit of good-natured prompting, he began to tell me.

Here are some stem sentences that my clients find helpful in deepening theirunderstanding of the ideas we've been discussing:

• Living purposefully to me means --
• If I bring 5 percent more purposefulness to my life today --
• If I operate 5 percent more purposefully in my marriage --
• If I operate 5 percent more purposefully with my friends --
• If I am 5 percent more purposeful about my deepest yearnings --

And once again, as a summary weekend stem:

• If any of what I have been writing is true, it might be helpful if I --

Living purposefully is a fundamental orientation that applies to every aspect ofour existence. It means that we live and act by intention. It is adistinguishing characteristic of those who enjoy a high level of control overtheir life

The Sixth Pillar of Self-Esteem, is The Practice of Personal Integrity.

As we mature and develop our own values and standards (or absorb them fromothers), the issue of personal integrity assumes increasing importance in ourself-assessment.

Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs andbehavior. When our behavior is congruent with our professed values, when idealsand practice match, we have integrity:

When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgment of what is appropriate,we lose face in our own eyes. We respect ourselves less. If the policy becomeshabitual, we trust ourselves less or cease to trust ourselves at all.

At the simplest level, personal integrity entails such questions as: Am Ihonest, reliable, and trustworthy? Do I keep my promises? Do I do the things Isay I admire and do I avoid the things I say I deplore? Am I fair and just in mydealings with others?

Congruence

Integrity means congruence. Words and behavior match. There are people we knowwhom we trust and others we do not. If we ask ourselves the reason, we will seethat congruence is basic. We trust congruency and are suspicious ofincongruence. Studies disclose that many people in organisations do not trustthose above them. Why? Lack of congruence. Beautiful mission statementsunsupported by practice. The doctrine of respect for the individual disgraced inaction. Slogans about customer service on the walls unmatched by the realitiesof daily business. Sermons about honesty mocked by cheating. Promises offairness betrayed by favoritism. In most organisations, however, there are menand woman whom others trust. Why? They keep their word. They honor theircommitments. They don't just promise to stick up for their people, they do it.They just don't preach fairness, they practice it. They don't just counselhonesty and integrity, they live it.

When We Betray Our Standards

To understand why lapses of integrity are detrimental to self-esteem, considerwhat a lapse of integrity entails. If I act in contradiction to a moral valueheld by someone else but not by me, I mayor may not be wrong, but I cannot befaulted for having betrayed my convictions. If, however, I act against what Imyself regard as right, if my actions clash with my expressed values,· then Iact against my judgment, I betray my mind. Hypocrisy, by its very nature, isself-invalidating. It is mind rejecting itself. A default on integrityundermines me and contaminates my sense of self. It damages me as no externalrebuke or rejection can damage me.

I may give sermons on honesty to my children yet lie to my friends andneighbors; I may become righteous and indignant when people do not keep theircommitments to me but disregard my commitments to others; I may preach a concernwith quality but indifferently sell my customers shoddy goods; I may outmaneuvera colleague in the office and appropriate her achievements. And I may evade myhypocrisy, I may produce any number of rationalizations, but the fact remains Ilaunch an assault on my self-respect that no rationalisation will dispel

If I am uniquely situated to raise my self-esteem, I am also uniquely situatedto lower it.

One of the great self-deceptions is to tell oneself, 'Only I will know.'

Only I will know I am a liar; only I will know I deal unethically with peoplewho trust me; only I will know I have no intention of honoring my promise. Theimplication is that my judgment is unimportant and that only the judgmentofothers counts. But when it comes to matters of self- esteem, I have more tofear from my own judgment than from anyone else's; In the inner courtroom of mymind, mine is the only judgment that counts. My ego, the 'I' at the center ofmy consciousness, is the judge from whom there is no escape. I can avoid peoplewho have learned the humiliating truth about me. I cannot avoid myself.

I recall a news article I read some years ago about a medical re- searcher ofhigh repute who was discovered to have been faking his data for a long timewhile piling up grant after grant and honor after honor. There was no way forself-esteem not to be a casualty of such behavior, even before the fakery wasrevealed. He knowingly chose to live in a world of unreality, where hisachievements and prestige were equally unreal. Long before others knew, he knew.Impostors of this kind, who live for an illusion in someone else's mind, whichthey hold as more important than their own knowledge of the truth, do not enjoygood self-esteem.

Most of the issues of integrity we face are not big issues but small ones, yetthe accumulated weight of of choices has an impact on our sense of self. As Imentioned earlier I conduct weekly ongoing 'self-esteem groups' for people whohave come together for a specific purpose, to grow in self-efficacy andself-respect. One evening I gave the group this sentence stem: If I bring 5percent more integrity into my life --

Here are the endings that were expressed:

• If I bring 5 percent more integrity into my life --

I'd tell people when they do things that bother me.

I wouldn't pad my expense account.

I'd be truthful with my husband about what my clothes cost.

I'd tell my parents I no longer believe in God.

I wouldn't be so ingratiating to people I dislike.

I wouldn't laugh at jokes I think stupid and vulgar.

I'd put in more of an effort at work.

I'd help my wife more with chores, as I promised.

I'd tell customers the truth about what they're buying.

I wouldn't just say what people want to hear.

The ease and speed of people's responses point to the fact that these mattersare not very far beneath the surface of awareness, although there isunderstandable motivation to evade them. People greatly underestimate theself-esteem costs and consequences of hypocrisy and dishonesty. They imaginethat at worst all that is involved is some discomfort. But it is the spirititself that is contaminated.

The essence of guilt, is moral self-reproach. I did wrong when it was possiblefor me to do otherwise. Guilt always carries the implication of choice andresponsibility, whether or not we are consciously aware of it. For this reason,it is imperative that we be clear on what is and is not in our power -- what isand is not a breach of integrity. Otherwise, we run the risk of accepting guiltinappropriately.

For example, suppose someone we love is killed in an accident. Even though wemay know the thought is irrational, we may tell ourselves, 'Somehow I shouldhave prevented it.' Perhaps this guilt is fed in part by our regrets overactions taken or not taken while the person was alive. The survivor feels, 'Ifonly I had done such and such differently, this terrible accident would not haveoccurred.' Thus, 'guilt' can serve the desire for efficacy by providing anillusion of efficacy.

The protection of self-esteem requires a clear understanding of the limits ofpersonal responsibility. Where there is no power, there can be noresponsibility, and where there is no responsibility, there can be no reasonableself-reproach. Regret, yes; guilt, no.

The idea of Original Sin -- of guilt where there is no possibility ofinnocence, no freedom of choice, no alternatives available -- is anti-self-esteem by its very nature. The very notion of guilt without volition orresponsibility is an assault on reason as well as on morality.

Let us think about guilt and how it can be resolved in situations where we arepersonally responsible. Generally speaking, five steps are needed to restoreone's sense of integrity with regard to a particular breach.

1. We must own the fact that it is we who have taken the particular action. Wemust face and accept the full reality of what we have done, without disowningor avoidance. We own, we accept, we take responsibility.

2. We seek to understand why we did what we did. We do this compassionately, butwithout evasive alibiing.

3. If others are involved, as they often are, we acknowledge explicitly to therelevant person or persons the harm we have done, and convey ourunderstanding of the consequences of our behavior.

4. We take any and all actions available that might make amends for or minimizethe harm we have done.

5. We firmly commit ourselves to behaving differently in the future .

Without all these steps, we may continue to feel guilty over some wrongbehavior, even though it happened years ago, even though our psychotherapistmight have told us everyone makes mistakes, and even though the wronged personmay have offered forgiveness. None of that may be enough; self-esteem remainsunsatisfied.

Sometimes we try to make amends without ever owning or facing what we have done.Or we keep saying 'I'm sorry.' Or we go out of our way to be nice to the personwe have wronged without ever addressing the wrong explicitly. Or we ignore thefact that there are specific actions we could take to undo the harm we havecaused. Sometimes, of course, there is no way to undo the harm, and we mustaccept and make our peace with that. But if we do not do what is possible andappropriate, guilt tends to linger on.

When guilt is a consequence of failed integrity, nothing less than an act ofintegrity can redress the breach.

What if Our Values Are Irrational?

While it is easy enough to recognize at a commonsense level the relationshipbetween self-esteem and integrity, the issue of living up to our standards isnot always simple. What if our standards are irrational or mistaken?

We may accept or absorb a code of values that does violence to our nature andneeds. For example, certain religious teachings implicitly or explicitly damnsex, damn pleasure, damn the body, damn ambition, damn material success, damn(for all practical purposes) the enjoyment of life on earth. If children areindoctrinated with these teachings, what will the practice of 'integrity' meanin their lives? Some elements of 'hypocrisy' may be all that keeps them alive.

Once we see that living up to our standards appears to be leading us towardself-destruction, the time has come to question our standards rather thansimply resigning ourselves to living without integrity. We must summon thecourage to challenge some of our deepest assumptions concerning what we havebeen taught to regard as 'the good'.

One area in which living consciously and integrity clearly intersect is in theneed to reflect on the values we have been taught, the shared assumptions of ourfamily or culture, the roles we may have been assigned. We need to questionwhether they fit our own perceptions and understanding, or whether they doviolence to the deepest and best within us, to what is sometimes called 'ourtrue nature.'

One of the penalties for living unconsciously is that of enduring unrewardinglives in the service of self-stultifying ends never examined or not chosen withawareness by the individuals involved. The higher the level of consciousness atwhich we operate, the more we live by explicit choice and the more naturallydoes integrity follow as a consequence.

On Following Your Own Bliss

Discussing the complexities of moral decision making in a lecture, I was onceasked what I thought of Joseph Campbell's counsel to 'Follow your own bliss. 'Did I believe it was ethically appropriate? I answered that while I liked what Ibelieved to be Campbell's basic intention, his statement could be dangerous ifdivorced from a rational context. I suggested this modification: 'Liveconsciously -- take responsibility for your choices and actions-respect therights of others -- and follow your own bliss.' I added that as a piece of moraladvice I loved the Spanish proverb' 'Take what you want:' said God, 'and pay forit.'.

But of course complex moral decisions cannot be made simply on the basis ofstatements such as these, helpful though they may sometimes be. A moral liferequires serious reflection.

Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Pdf

A Personal Example

I have said that moral decisions are not always easy and that sometimes, rightlyor wrongly, we experience our choices as agonizingly complex and difficult.

To offer a personal example, many years ago I was married to a woman I was veryattached to but no longer loved; my romance with Ayn Rand was fading but not'officially' terminated. Both relationships were painfully unresolved when I metand fell passionately in love with a third woman I would later marry: Patrecia,who would die at the age of 37. For a long time my mind was a chaos ofconflicting loyalties, and I handled things very badly. I did not tell the truthto my wife or to Ayn as soon as I could have -- never mind the reasons.'Reasons' do not alter facts.

It was a long road, but at its end was painfully acquired knowledge I hadpossessed at the beginning -- that the truth had to be told and that byprocrastinating and delaying I merely made the consequences for everyone moreterrible. I succeeded in protecting no one, least of all myself. If part of mymotive was to spare people I cared about, I inflicted a worse pain than theywould otherwise have experienced. If part of my motive was to protect myself-esteem by avoiding a conflict among my values and loyalties, it was myself-esteem that I damaged. Lies do not work.

Sentence Completions to Facilitate the Practice of Integrity

If we examine our lives, we may notice that our practice of integrity exhibitsinconsistencies. There are areas where we practice it more and areas where wepractice it less. Rather than evade this fact, it is useful to explore it. It isworthwhile to consider: What stands in the way of my practicing integrity inevery area of my life? What would happen if I lived my values consistently?

Here are sentence stems that can aid the process of exploration:

• Integrity to me means --
• If I bring 5 percent more integrity to my work --
• If I bring 5 percent more integrity to my personal realtionships --
• If I am willing to look at the areas where I do not practice integrity --

On the weekend, again work with this sentence stem:

• If any of what I have been writing is true, it might be helpful if I --

If you choose to bring a high level of awareness to what you produce, in doingthese sentence stems you may discover that living with greater integrity hasbecome realisable.

Keeping Your Integrity in a Corrupt World

In a world where we regard ourselves and are regarded by others as accountablefor our actions, the practice of integrity is relatively easier than in a worldwhere the principle of personal accountability is absent. A culture ofaccountability tends to support our moral aspirations.

The challenge for people today, and it is not an easy one, is to maintain highpersonal standards while feeling that one is living in a moral sewer.

Grounds for such a feeling are to be found in the behavior of our publicfigures, the horror of world events, and in our so-called art and entertainment,so much of which celebrates depravity, cruelty, and mindless violence. Allcontribute to making the practice of personal integrity a lonely and heroicundertaking.

Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Book Pdf Free Download

If integrity is a source of self-esteem, then it is also, and never more' sothan today, an expression of self-esteem.

The Principle of Reciprocal Causation

Indeed, this leads to an important question. About all six pillars it might beasked, 'To practice them, does one not need already to possess self- esteem?How then can they be the foundation of self-esteem?'

In answering, I must introduce what I call the principle of reciprocalcausation. By this I mean that behaviors that generate good self-esteem arealso expressions of good self-esteem. Living consciously is both a cause and aneffect of self-efficacy and self-respect. And so is self-acceptance,self-responsibility, all the other practices I describe.

The more I live consciously, the more I trust my mind and respect my worth; andif I trust my mind and respect my worth, it feels natural to live consciously.The more I live with integrity, the more I enjoy good self-esteem; and if Ienjoy good self-esteem, it feels natural to live with integrity.

Another noteworthy aspect of the dynamics involved here is that the practice ofthese virtues over time tends to generate a felt need for them. If I habituallyoperate at a high level of consciousness, unclarity and fog in my awareness willmake me uncomfortable. If I have been consistent in my integrity, I willexperience dishonesty on my part as disturbing and will feel a thrust to resolvethe dissonance and restore the inner sense of moral cleanliness.

Once we understand the practices I have described, we have the power (at leastto some extent) to choose them. The power to choose them is the power to raisethe level of our self-esteem, from whatever point we may be starting and howeverdifficult the project may be in the early stages.

An analogy to physical exercise may be helpful. If we are in poor physicalcondition, exercise is typically difficult; as our condition improves, exercisebecomes easier and more enjoyable. We begin where we are -- and build ourstrength from there. Raising self-esteem follows the same principle.

These practices are ideals to guide us. And -- this can hardly be overemphasized-- they do not have to be lived 'perfectly' 100 percent of the time in order tohave a beneficent impact on our lives. Small improvements make a difference.

The practices and beliefs we have discussed pertain to 'internal' factors thatbear on self-esteem; that is, they exist or are generated from within theindividual. We will turn now to an examination of 'external' factors, that is,factors originating in the environment.

What is the role and contribution of other people? What is the potential impactof parents, teachers, managers, culture in which one lives? These are thequestions I will address in the remainder of this program.

Nurturing a Child's Self-Esteem

Let's begin with parents.

The proper aim of parental nurturing is to prepare a child for independentsurvival as an adult. An infant begins in a condition of total dependency. Ifhis or her upbringing is successful, the young man or woman will have evolvedout of that dependency into a self-respecting and self-responsible human beingwho is able to respond to the challenges of life competently andenthusiastically.

It is an old and excellent adage that effective parenting consists first ofgiving a child roots (to grow) and then wings (to fly) . The security of a firmbase -- and the self-confidence one day to leave it. Children do not grow up ina vacuum. They grow up in a social context.

Parental behavior alone does not decide the course of a child's psychologicaldevelopment. Apart from the fact that sometimes the most important influence ina child's life is a teacher, or a grandparent, or a neighbor, external factorsare only part of the story, never the whole. We are beings whose consciousnessis volitional, so, beginning in childhood and continuing throughout our life wemake choices that have consequences for the kind of person we become and thelevel of self-esteem we attain.

To say that parents can make it easier or harder for a child to develop healthyself-esteem is to say that parents can make it easier or harder for a youngperson to learn the six practices and make them a natural and integral part ofhis or her life. The six practices provide a standard for assessing parentalpolicies: Do these policies encourage or discourage consciousness,self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, purposefulness, andintegrity? Do they raise or lower the probability that a child will learnself-esteem-supporting behaviors?

Love

A child who is treated with love tends to internalize the feeling and toexperience him or herself as lovable. Love is conveyed by verbal expression,nurturing actions, and the joy and pleasure we show in the sheer fact of thechild's being.

An effective parent can convey anger or disappointment without signalingwithdrawal of love. An effective parent can teach without resorting torejection. The value of the child as a human being is not -- should not be --ontrial.

Love is not felt to be real when it is always tied to performance, tied toliving up to Mother's or Father's expectations, and is withdrawn from time totime as a means of manipulating obedience and conformity. Love is not felt to bereal when the child receives subtle or unsubtle messages to the effect, 'You arenot enough.'

Unfortunately, many of us received such messages. You may have potential, butyou are unacceptable as you are. You need to be fixed. One day you may beenough, but not now. You will be enough only if you fulfill our expectations.

'I am enough' does not mean 'I have nothing to learn and nowhere to grow to.' Itmeans 'I accept myself as a value as I am.' We cannot build self-esteem on afoundation of 'I am not enough.' To convey to a child 'You are not enough' is tosubvert self-esteem at the core. No child feels loved who receives suchmessages.

Acceptance

A child whose thoughts and feelings are treated with acceptance tends tointernalize the response and to learn self-acceptance. Acceptance is conveyed,not by agreement (which is not always possible) but by listening to andacknowledging the child's thoughts and feelings, and by not chastising, arguing,lecturing, psychologising, or insulting.

If a child is repeatedly told that he or she must not feel this, must not feelthat, the child is encouraged to.deny and disown feelings or emotions in orderto please or placate parents. If normal expressions of excitement, anger,happiness, sexuality, longing, and fear are treated as unacceptable or wrong orsinful or otherwise distasteful to parents, the child may disown and reject moreand more of the self to belong, to be loved, to avoid the terror of abandonment.We do not serve a child's development by making self-repudiation the price ofour love.

Few attitudes of parents can be so helpful for the child's healthy developmentas the child's experience that his or her nature, temperament, interests, andaspirations are accepted -- whether or not parents share them. It is unrealisticin the extreme to imagine that parents will enjoy or be comfortable with achild's every act of self-expression. But acceptance in the sense described inthis book does not require enjoyment or comfort -- or agreement.

A parent may be athletic, a child may not be -- or the reverse. A parent may beartistic, a child may not be -- or the reverse. A parent's natural rhythms maybe fast, a child's may be slow -- or the reverse. A parent may be orderly, achild may be chaotic -- or the reverse. A parent may be extroverted, a child maybe introverted -- or the reverse. A parent may be very 'social,' a child may beless so-or the reverse. A parent may be competitive, a child may not be -- orthe reverse. If differences are accepted. self-esteem can grow.

Respect

A child who receives respect from adults tends to learn self-respect. Respectis conveyed by addressing a child with the courtesy one normally extends toadults. (As child psychologist Haim Ginott used to observe, if a visiting guestaccidentally spills a drink, we do not say, 'Oh, you're so sloppy! What's thematter with you?' But then why do we think such statements are appropriate forour children, who are much more important to us than the visitor? Surely itwould be more appropriate to say to the child something like, 'You've spilledyour drink. Will you get some paper towels from the kitchen?')

I recall a client once saying to me, 'My father talks to any busboy with morecourtesy than he's ever extended to me.' 'Please' and 'thank you' are words thatacknowledge dignity-that of the speaker as well as the listener.

Parents need to be informed: 'Be careful what you say to your children. They mayagree with you.' Before calling a child 'stupid' or 'clumsy' or 'bad' or 'adisappointment,' consider the question, 'Is this how I want my child toexperience him or herself?'

If a child grows up in a home where everyone deals with everyone else withnatural, good-natured courtesy; he or she learns principles that apply both toself and to others. Respect of self and others feels like the normal order ofthings -- which, properly, it is.

Visibility

Especially important for the nurturing of a child's self-esteem is theexperience of what I have called psychological visibility.

If I say or do something and you respond in a way that I perceive as congruentin terms of my own behavior -- I feel seen and understood by you. For example,if I become playful and you become playful in turn, or if I express joy and youshow understanding of my state, or if I express sadness and you convey empathy,or if I do something I am proud of and you smile in admiration -- I feel seenand understood by you. I feel visible. In contrast, if I say or do something andyou respond in a way that makes no sense to me in terms of my own behavior -- Ido not feel understood. If become playful and you react as if I were beinghostile, or if I express joy and you display impatience and tell me not to besilly, or if I express sadness and you accuse me of pretending, or if I dosomething I am proud of and you react with condemnation -- I feel invisible.

To feel visible to you I do not require your agreement with what I am doing orfeeling or saying. We might hold different viewpoints, but if we showunderstanding of what the other is saying, and if our responses are congruent interms of that, we can continue to feel visible to each other.

A child has a natural desire to be seen, heard, understood, and responded toappropriately. To a self that is still forming, this need is particularlyurgent. This is one of the reasons a child will look to a parent for a responseafter having taken some action.

If a child says, unhappily, 'I didn't get the part in my school play,' andMother answers, empathetically, 'That must hurt,' the child feels visible. Whatdoes a child feel if Mother answers sharply, 'Do you think you'll always getwhat you want in life?'

If a child bursts into the house, full of joy and excitement, and Mother says,smiling, 'You're happy today,' the child feels visible. What does a child feelif Mother screams, 'Do you have to make so much noise? What is the matter withyou?'

When we convey love, appreciation, empathy, acceptance and respect, we make achild visible. When we convey indifference, scorn, condemnation, ridicule, wedrive the child's self into the lonely underground of invisibility.

If we are to love effectively -- whether the object is our child, our mate, or afriend -- the ability to provide the experience of visibility is essential.

And in giving this to our child-visibility, consciousness -- we model a practicethat he or she may learn to emulate

Praise and Criticism

Loving parents, concerned to support the self-esteem of their children, maybelieve that the way to do it is with praise. But inappropriate praise can beas harmful to self-esteem as inappropriate criticism. Many years ago I learnedfrom Haim Ginott an important distinction: that between evaluative praise andappreciative praise. It is evaluative praise that does not serve a child'sinterests. Appreciative praise, can be productive both in supporting self-esteemand in reinforcing desired behavior.

To quote from Ginott's Teacher and Child:

In psychotherapy a child is never told, 'You are a good little boy.' 'You aredoing great.' 'Carry on your good work.' Judgmental praise is avoided. Why?Because it is not helpful. It creates anxiety, invites dependency, and evokesdefensiveness. It is not conducive to self-reliance, self-direction, andself-control. These qualities demand freedom from outside judgment. They requirereliance on inner motivation and evaluation. To be himself, one needs to be freefrom the pressure of evaluative praise.

If we state what we like and appreciate about the child's actions andaccomplishments, we remain factual and descriptive; we leave it to the child todo the evaluating. Ginott offers these examples of the process: ·

Marcia, age twelve, helped the teacher rearrange the books in the class library.The teacher avoided personal praise. ('You did a good job. You are a hardworker. You are a good librarian.') Instead she described what Marciaaccomplished: 'The books are all in order now. It'll be easy for the children tofind any book they want. It was a difficult job. But you did it. Thank you.'The teacher's words of recognition allowed Marcia to make her own inference. 'Myteacher likes the job I did. I am a good worker.'

The more specifically targeted our praise, the more meaningful it is to thechild. Praise that is generalized and abstract leaves the child wondering whatexactly is being praised. It is not helpful. Not only does praise need to bespecific, it needs to be commensurate with its object. Overblown or grandiosepraise tends to be overwhelming and anxiety provoking-because the child knows itdoes not match his or her self-perceptions (a problem that is avoided bydescriptions of behavior, plus expressions of appreciation, that omit theseunrealistic evaluations).

Some parents are intent on helping their children's self-esteem, but they praiseglobally, indiscriminately, and extravagantly. At best, this does not work. Atworst, it backfires: the child feels invisible and anxious. In addition, thispolicy tends to produce 'approval addicts' -- children who cannot take a stepwithout looking for praise and who feel disvalued if it is not forthcoming. Manydevoted parents, with the best intentions in the world but without theappropriate skills, have turned their children into such approval addicts bysaturating the home environment with their 'loving' evaluations.

If we wish to nurture autonomy, always leave space for the child to make his orher own evaluations, after we have described behavior. Leave the child free ofthe pressure of our judgments. Help create a context in which independentthinking can occur.

As to criticism, it needs to be directed only at the child's behavior, never atthe child. The principle is: Describe the behavior, describe your feelings aboutit, describe what you want done (if anything) -- and omit characterassassination.

No good purpose is ever served by assaulting a child's self-esteem. This is thefirst rule of effective criticism. We do not inspire better behavior byimpugning a child's worth, intelligence, morality, character, intentions, orpsychology. No one was ever made 'good' by being informed he or she was'bad.'. Attacks on self-esteem tend to increase the likelihood that theunwanted behavior will happen again -- 'Since I am bad, I will behave badly.'

There is perhaps nothing more important to know about children than that theyneed to make sense out of their experience. In effect, they need to know thatthe universe is rational -- they need to know that human existence is knowable,predictable, and stable. On that foundation, they can build a sense of efficacy;without it, the task is worse than difficult.

'Sanity' in family life is one of a child's most urgent needs if healthydevelopment is to be possible.

What does sanity mean in this context? It means adults who, for the most part,say what they mean and mean what they say. It means rules that areunderstandable, consistent, and fair. It means not being punished today forbehavior that was ignored or even rewarded yesterday. It means being brought upby parents whose emotional life is more or less graspable and predictable -- incontrast to an emotional life punctuated by bouts of anxiety or rage or euphoriaunrelated to any discernible cause or pattern. It means a home in which realityis appropriately acknowledged -- in contrast to a home in which, for instance, adrunken father misses the chair he meant to sit on and crashes to the floorwhile Mother goes on eating and talking as though nothing had happened. It meansparents who practice what they preach. Who are willing to admit when they makemistakes and apologize when they know they have been unfair or unreasonable. Whoappeal to a child's wish to understand rather than the wish to avoid pain. Whoreward and reinforce consciousness in a child rather than discourage andpenalise it.

If, instead of obedience, we want cooperation from our children; if, instead ofconformity, we want self-responsibility-we can achieve it in a home environmentthat supports the child's mind. We cannot achieve it in an environmentintrinsically hostile to the exercise of mind.

Parenting as a Vehicle of Personal Evolution

We want to teach our children healthy ideas and values. Ideas and values aremost powerfully communicated when they are embedded into family life, rooted inthe being of the parents. Regardless of what we think we're teaching, we teachwhat we are.

We need not pretend to our children that we are 'perfect.' We can acknowledgeour struggles and admit our mistakes. The likelihood is that the self-esteem ofeveryone in the family will benefit.

In supporting and nurturing the self-esteem of our children, we support andnurture our own.

Self-Esteem in Schools

To many children, school represents a 'second chance' -- an opportunity toacquire a better sense of self and a better vision of life than was offered intheir home. A teacher who projects confidence in a child's competence andgoodness can be a powerful antidote to a family in which such confidence islacking and in which perhaps the opposite perspective is conveyed. A teacher whorefuses to accept a child's negative self-concept and relentlessly holds to abetter view of the child's potential has the power -- sometimes -- to save alife.

But for some children, school is a legally enforced incarceration at the handsof teachers who lack either the self-esteem or the training or both to do theirjobs properly. These are teachers who do not inspire but humiliate. They do notspeak the language of courtesy and respect but of ridicule and sarcasm. They donot motivate by offering values but by evoking fear. They do not believe in achild's possibilities; they believe only in limitations. They do not light firesin minds, they extinguish them.

Who cannot recall encountering at least one such teacher during one's schoolyears?

Most teachers want to make a positive contribution to the minds entrusted totheir care. If they sometimes do harm, it is not by intention.

And today most are aware that one of the ways they can contribute is bynurturing the child's self-esteem. They know that children who believe inthemselves, and whose teachers project a positive view of their potential, dobetter in school than children without these advantages. Indeed, of anyprofessional group it is teachers who have shown the greatest receptivity to theimportance of self-esteem. But what nurtures self-esteem in the classroom is notself-evident.

I have stressed that 'feel good' notions are harmful rather than helpful. Yet ifone examines the proposals offered to teachers on how to raise studentsself-esteem, many are the kind of trivial nonsense that gives self-esteem a badname, such as praising and applauding a child for virtually everything he or shedoes, dismissing the importance of objective accomplishments, handing out goldstars on every possible occasion, and propounding an 'entitlement' idea ofself-esteem that leaves it divorced from both behavior and character.

One of the characteristics of persons with healthy self-esteem is that they tendto assess their abilities and accomplishments realistically, neither denying norexaggerating them.

Might a student do poorly in school and yet have good self-esteem? Of course.There are any number of reasons why a particular boy or girl might not do wellscholastically, from a dyslexic condition to lack of adequate challenge andstimulation. Grades are hardly a reliable indicator of a given individual'sself-efficacy and self-respect. But rationally self-esteeming students do notdelude themselves that they are doing well when they are doing poorly.

What makes the challenge of fostering children's self-esteem particularly urgenttoday is that many young people arrive in school in such a condition ofemotional distress that concentrating on learning can be extraordinarilydifficult.

Schools cannot be expected to provide solutions for all the problems, instudents' lives. But good schools-which means good teachers-can make an enormousdifference.

The Teacher's Self-Esteem

As with parents, it is easier for a teacher to inspire self-esteem in studentsif the teacher exemplifies and models a healthy, affirmative sense of self.Indeed, some research suggests that this is the primary factor in the teacher'sability to contribute to a student's self-esteem. Teachers with low self-esteemtend to be more punitive, impatient, and authoritarian. They tend to focus onthe child's weaknesses rather than strengths. They inspire fearfulness anddefensiveness. They encourage dependency.

Teachers with low self-esteem tend to be overdependent on the approval ofothers. They tend to feel that others are the source of their 'self-esteem.'Therefore, they are hardly in a position to teach that self-esteem must begenerated primarily from within. They tend to use their own approval anddisapproval to manipulate students into obedience and conformity, since that isthe approach that works when others apply it to them. They teach thatself-esteem comes from 'adult and peer approval.' They convey an externalapproach to self-esteem rather than an internal one, thereby deepening whateverself-esteem problems students already have. Further, low-self-esteem teachersare typically unhappy teachers, and

Children watch teachers in part to learn appropriate adult behavior. If they seeridicule and sarcasm, often they learn to use it themselves. If they hear thelanguage of disrespect, and even cruelty, it tends to show up in their ownverbal responses. If, in contrast, they see benevolence and an emphasis on thepositive, they may learn to integrate that into their own responses. If theywitness fairness, they may absorb the attitude of fairness. If they receivecompassion and see it offered to others, they may learn to internalisecompassion. If they see self-esteem, they may decide it is a value worthacquiring.

What a great teacher, a great parent, a great psychotherapist, and a great coachhave in common is a deep belief in the potential of the person with whom theyare concerned-a conviction about what that person is capable of being and doing-- plus the ability to transmit the conviction during their interactions.

Teachers with good self-esteem are likely to understand that if they wish tonurture the self-esteem of another, they need to relate to that person fromtheir vision of his or her worth and value, providing an experience ofacceptance and respect. They know that most of us tend to underestimate ourinner resources, and they keep that knowledge central in their awareness. Mostof us are capable of more than we believe. When teachers remain clear aboutthis,others can acquire this understanding from them almost by contagion.

One of the painful things about being a child is that one tends not to be takenseriously by adults. Whether one is dismissed discourteously or praised forbeing 'cute,' most children are not used to having their dignity as human beingsrespected. So a teacher who treats all students with courtesy and respect sendsa signal to the class: You are now in an environment where different rules applythan those you may be used to. In this world, your dignity and feelings matter.In this simple way a teacher can begin to create an environment that supportsself-esteem.

Sometimes a child is not fully aware of his or her assets. It is the teacher'sjob to facilitate that awareness. This has nothing to do with phony compliments.Every child does some things right. Every child has some assets. They must befound, identified, and nurtured. A teacher should be a prospector, looking forgold. Try to think back to what it would have been like to be in a class wherethe teacher felt there was no more urgent task than to discover the good inyou-your strengths and virtues -- and to help you become more aware of them.Would that have inspired the best in you? Would that be an environment in whichyou were motivated to grow and learn?

In every classroom there are rules that must be respected if learning is toprogress and tasks are to be accomplished. Rules can be imposed, by dint ofthe teacher's power, or they can be explained in such a way as to engage themind and understanding of the student.

A teacher can think about rules in one of two ways. She or he can wonder: Howcan I make students do what needs to be done? Or: How can I inspire studentsto want to do what needs to be done? The first orientation is necessarilyadversarial and at best achieves obedience while encouraging dependency. Thesecond orientation is benevolent and achieves cooperation, while encouragingself-responsibility.

Which approach a teachers feels more comfortable with has a good deal to do withhis or her sense of efficacy as a person.

If low self-esteem can impel some teachers to rigid, punitive, even sadisticbehavior, it can impel others to the kind of mushy 'permissiveness' that signalsa complete absence of authority-with classroom anarchy as the result. Compassionand respect do not imply lack of firmness. A capitulation to disruptive elementsin the class means abdication of the teacher's responsibilities. Competentteachers understand the need for standards of acceptable behavior. But they alsounderstand that toughness need not and should not entail insults or responsesaimed at demeaning anyone's sense of personal value. One of the characteristicsof a superior teacher is mastery of this challenge.

To achieve the results they want, teachers sometimes have to exerciseimagination. Problems cannot be reduced to a list of formula strategies thatwill fit every occasion. One teacher I know solved a classroom problem bygravely asking the biggest, noisiest boy in the class, when they were alone, ifhe could help her by exercising his natural leadership abilities to persuadesome of the others to be more orderly. The boy looked a bit disoriented,evidently not knowing how to answer; but peacefulness quickly prevailed, and theboy responsible felt proud of himself.

The frustrations, pressures, and challenges teachers face test their self-esteem, energy, and dedication every day. To preserve throughout their careersthe vision with which the best of them started -- to hold fast to the idea thatthe business they are in is that of setting minds on fire -- is a heroicproject.

The work they are doing could not be more important. Yet to do it well, theyneed to embody that which they wish to communicate.

A teacher who does not operate at an appropriate level of consciousness cannotmodel living consciously for his or her students.

A teacher who is not self-accepting will be unable successfully to communicateself-acceptance.

A teacher who is not self-responsible will have a difficult time persuad- ingothers of the value of self-responsibility.

A teacher who is afraid of self-assertiveness will not inspire its practice inothers.

A teacher who is not purposeful is not a good spokesperson for the practice ofliving purposefully.

A teacher who lacks integrity will be severely limited in the ability to inspireit in others.

If their goal is to nurture self-esteem in those entrusted to their care,teachers -- like parents, like psychotherapists, like all of us -- need to beginby working on their own. One arena in which this can be done is the classroomitself. Just as parenting can be a spiritual discipline, a path for personaldevelopment, so can teaching. The challenges each present can be turned intovehicles for personal growth.

Now I want to focus on the world of work -- on the challenges to economicadaptiveness both for individuals and organisations.

Challenges

In an economy in which knowledge, information, creativity -- and theirtranslation into innovation -- are the source of wealth and of competetiveadvantage, there are distinct challanges both to individuals and toorganisations.

To individuals, whether as employees or as self-employed professionals, thechallenges include:

• To acquire appropriate knowledge and skills, and to commit oneself to alifetime of continuous learning, which the rapid growth of knowledge makesmandatory.

• To work effectively with other human beings, which includes skill in writtenand oral communication, the ability to participate in nonadversarialrelationships, understanding of how to build consensus through give and take,and willingness to assume leadership and motivate coworkers when necessary.

• To manage and respond appropriately to change.

To organisations, the challenges include:

• To respond to the need for a constant stream of innovation by cultivating adiscipline of innovation and entrepreneurship into the mission, strategies,policies, practices, and reward system of the organisation.

• To go beyond paying lip service to 'the importance of the individual' bydesigning a culture in which initiative, creativity, self- responsibility, andcontribution are fostered and rewarded.

• To recognize the relationship between self-esteem and performance and to thinkthrough and implement pollcies that support self-esteem.

This demands recognising and responding to the individual's need for a sane,intelligible, noncontradictory environment that a mind can make sense of; forlearning and growth; for achievement; for being listened to and respected; forbeing allowed to make (responsible) mistakes.

Matthew Mckay Self-esteem Pdf

Bringing Out the Best in People

Leaders do not usually ask themselves, 'How can we create aself-esteem-supporting culture in our organisation?' But the best of them doask, 'What can we do to stimulate innovation and creativity? How can we makethis the kind of place that will attract the best people? And what can we do toearn their continuing loyalty?' These questions are all different, and yet theanswers to them are largely the same or at least Significantly overlap. It wouldbe impossible to have an organisation that nurtured innovation and creativityand yet did not nurture self-esteem in some important ways. It would beimpossible to have an organisation that nurtured self-esteem, rationally under-stood, and yet did not stimulate innovation, creativity, excitement, andloyalty.

From the point of view of the individual, it is obvious that work can be avehicle for raising self-esteem. The six pillars all have clear applicationhere. When we bring a high level of consciousness, responsibility, and so on toour tasks, self-esteem is strengthened -- just as, when we avoid them,self-esteem is weakened.

In this section I want to focus on self-esteem from the perspective of theorganisation -- the kind of policies and practices that either undermine orsupport the self-efficacy and self-respect of people.

An organisation whose people operate at a high level of consciousness,self-acceptance (and acceptance of others), self-responsibility,self-assertiveness, purposefulness, and personal integrity would be anorganisation of extraordinarily empowered human beings. These traits aresupported in an organisation to the extent that the following conditions aremet:

1. People feel safe: secure that they will not he ridiculed, demeaned,humiliated, or punished for openness and honesty or for admitting 'I made amistake' or for saying 'I don't know, hut I'll find out.'
2. People feel accepted: treated with courtesy, listened to, invited to expressthoughts and feelings, dealt with as individuals whose dignity is important.
3. People feel challenged: given assignments that excite, inspire, and test andstretch their abilities.
4. People feel recognized: acknowledged for individual talents and achievementsand rewarded monetarily and nonmonetarily for extraordinary contributions.
5. People receive constructive feedback: they hear how to improve performance innondemeaning ways that stress positives rather than negatives and that buildon their strengths.
6. People see that innovation is expected of them: their opinions are solicited,their brainstorming is invited, and they see that the development of new andusable ideas is desired of them and welcomed.
7. People are given easy access to information: not only are they given theinformation (and resources) they need to do their job properly, they aregiven information about the wider context in which they work -- the goals andprogress of the company -- so that they can understand how their activitiesrelate to the organisation's overall mission.
8. People are given authority appropriate to what they are accountable for: theyare encouraged to take initiative, make decisions, exercise judgment.
9. People are given clear-cut and noncontradictory rules and guidelines: theyare provided with a structure their intelligence can grasp and count on andthey know what is expected of them.
10. People are encouraged to solve as many of their own problems as possible:they are expected to resolve issues close to the action rather than passresponsibility for solutions to higher-ups, and they are empowered to do so.
11. People see that their rewards for successes are far greater than anypenalties for failures: in too many companies, where the penalties formistakes are much greater than the rewards for success, people are afraid totake risks or express themselves.
12. People are encouraged and rewarded for learning: they are encouraged toparticipate in internal and external courses and programs that will expandtheir knowledge and skills.
13. People experience congruence between an organisation's mission statement andprofessed philosophy, on the one hand, and the behavior of leaders andmanagers, on the other: they see integrity exemplified and they feelmotivated to match what they see.
14. People experience being treated fairly and justly: they feel the workplaceis a rational universe they can trust.
15. People are able to believe in and take pride in the value of what theyproduce: they perceive the result of their efforts as genuinely useful, theyperceive their work as worth doing.

To the extent that these conditions are operative in an organisation, it will bea place in which high-self-esteem people will want to work. It will also be onein which people of more modest self-esteem will find their self-esteem raised.

What Managers Can Do

Now, I want to say a few words about the leader -- a CEO, or company president.The primary function of a leader in a business enterprise is to develop andpersuasively convery a vision of what the organisation is to accomplish. She orhe must also inspire and empower all those who work for the organisation to makean optimal contribution to the fulfillment of that vision and to experiencethat, in doing so, they are acting in alignment with their self-interest. So,the leader must be an inspirer and a persuader.

The higher the self-esteem of the leader, the more likely it is that he or shecan perform that function successfully. A mind that distrusts itself cannotinspire the best in the minds of others. Neither can leaders inspire the best inothers if their primary need, arising from their insecurities, is to provethemselves right and others wrong.

It is a fallacy to say that a great leader should be egoless. A leader needsan ego sufficiently healthy that it does not experience itself as on the line inevery encounter. This, so that the leader is free to be task and resultsoriented, not self-aggrandisement or self-protection oriented.

If degrees of self-esteem are thought of on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10representing optimal self-esteem and 1 almost the lowest imaginable, then is aleader who is a 5 more likely to hire a 7 or a 3? Very likely he or she willfeel more comfortable with the 3, since people often feel intimated by othersmore confident than themselves. Multiply this example hundreds or thousands oftimes and project the consequences for a business. Warren Bennis, ourpreeminent scholar of leadership, tells us that the basic passion in the bestleaders he has studied is for self-expression. 5 Their work is clearly a vehiclefor self-actualization. Their desire is to bring 'who they are' into the world,into reality, which I speak of as the practice of self-assertiveness.

If degrees of self-esteem are thought of on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10representing optimal self-esteem and 1 almost the lowest imaginable, then is aleader who is a 5 more likely to hire a 7 or a 3? Very likely he or she willfeel more comfortable with the 3, since people often feel intimated by othersmore confident than themselves. Multiply this example hundreds or thousands oftimes and project the consequences for a business.

Leaders often do not fully recognize the extent to which 'who they are' affectsvirtually every aspect of their organisation. They do not appreciate the extentto which they are role models. Their smallest bits of behavior are noted andabsorbed by those around them, not necessarily consciously, and reflected viathose they influence throughout the entire organisation. If a leader hasunimpeachable integrity, a standard is set that others feel drawn to follow. Ifa leader treats people with respect -- associates, subordinates, customers,suppliers, shareholders -- that tends to translate into company culture.

For these reasons, a person who wants to work on his or her 'leader- shipability' should work on self-esteem. Continual dedication to the six pillars andtheir daily practice is the very best training for leadership -- as it is forlife.

The Power to Do Good

The policies that support self-esteem are also the policies that make money.

The policies that demean self-esteem are the policies that sooner or later causea company to lose money. Why? Simply because, when you treat people badly anddisrespectfully, you cannot possibly hope to get their best. And in today'sfiercely competitive, rapidly changing global economy, nothing less than theirbest is good enough.

One way to deepen our understanding of the themes with which this book has beenconcerned is to look at self-esteem as it relates to and is affected by culture.

Let us begin by considering the idea of self-esteem itself. It is not an ideaone finds in all cultures. It emerged in the West only recently and is still farfrom well understood.

Self-esteem existed in human consciousness thousands of years before it emergedas an explicit idea. Now that it has emerged, the challenge is to understand it.

The need for self-esteem is not 'cultural'.

What is the effect of different cultures, and different cultural values, onself-esteem?

The Influence of Culture

Every society contains a network of values, beliefs, and assumptions, not all ofwhich are named explicitly but which nonetheless are part of the humanenvironment. Indeed, ideas that are not identified overtly but are held andconveyed tacitly can be harder to call into question. This is precisely becausethey are absorbed by a process that largely bypasses the conscious mind.Everyone possesses what might be called a 'cultural unconscious' -- a set ofimplicit beliefs -- that reflect the knowledge, understanding, and values of ahistorical time and place. I do not mean that there are no differences amongpeople within a given culture in their beliefs at this level. Nor do I mean thatno-one holds any of these beliefs consciously or that no-one challenges any ofthem. I mean only that at least some of these beliefs tend to reside in everypsyche in a given society, and without ever being the subject of explicitawareness.

The Tribal Mentality

Throughout human history, most societies and cultures have been dominated by thetribal mentality. This was true in primitive times, in the Middle Ages, and insocialist (and some nonsocialist) countries in the twentieth century. Japan is acontemporary example of a nonsocialist nation still heavily tribal in itscultural orientation, although it may now be in the process of becoming less so.

The essence of the tribal mentality is that it makes the tribe as such thesupreme good and denigrates the importance of the individual. It tends to viewindividuals as interchangeable units and to ignore or minimise the significanceof differences between one human being and another. At its extreme, it sees theindividual as hardly existing except in the network of tribal relationships; theindividual by him or herself is nothing.

The tribal premise is intrisically anti-self-esteem. It is a premise andorientation that empowers the individual as individual. It's implicit messageis: You don't count. By yourself you are nothing. Only as part of us, can yoube something. Thus, any society to the extent that it is dominated by thetribal premise is inherently unsupportive of self-esteem. In such a society, theindividual is socialised to hold him or her self in low-esteem relative to thegroup. Self-assertiveness is oppressed; pride tends to be labelled a vice.

What was so historically extraordinary about the creation of the United Statesof America was its conscious rejection of the tribal premise. The Declarationof Independence proclaimed the revolutionary doctrine of individual, inalienablerights and asserted that the government exists for the individual, not theindividual for the government. Although our political leaders have betrayed thisvision many ways and many times, it still contains the essence of what theabstraction -- America -- stands for. Freedom. Individualism. The right tothe pursuit of happiness. Self-ownership. The individual as an end in him- orherself, not a means to the ends of others; not the property of family or churchor state or society.

At the core of the American tradition was the fact that this country was born asa frontier nation where nothing was given and everything had to be created.Self-discipline and hard work were highly esteemed cultural values. There was astrong theme of community and mutual aid, to be sure, but not as substitutes forself-reliance and self-responsibility. Independent people helped one anotherwhen they could, but ultimately everyone was expected to carry his or her ownweight.

This generalised account of traditional American culture leaves out a good deal.It does not, for instance, address the institution of slavery, the treatment ofblack Americans as second-class citizens, or legal discrimination against women,who only acquired the right to vote in this cen- tury. Just the same, we can saythat to the extent the American vision was actualized, it did a good deal toencourage healthy self-esteem. It encouraged human beings to believe inthemselves and in their possibilities.

At the same time, a culture is made of people-and people inevitably carry thepast with them. Americans may have repudiated the tribal premise politically,but they or their ancestors came from countries dominated by the tribalmentality. Their history often continued to influence them culturally andpsychologically. They may in some instances have come to these shores to escapereligious prejudice and persecution, but many of them carried the mind-set ofreligious authoritarianism with them. They brought old ways of thinking aboutrace, religion, and gender into the New World. Conflicting cultural values,present from the beginning, continue to this day. In our present culture,pro-self-esteem forces and anti-self-esteem forces collide constantly.

The twentieth century witnessed a shift in cultural values in the United States,and predominately the shift has not supported higher self-esteem but hasencouraged the opposite.

Today, the American culture is a battleground between the values ofself-responsibility and the values of entitlement. This is not the onlycultural conflict we can see around us, but it is the one most relevant toself-esteem. It is also at the root of many of the others.

We are social beings who realise our humanity fully only in the context ofcommunity. The values of our community can inspire the best in us or the worst.A culture that values mind, intellect, knowledge, and understanding promotesself-esteem; a culture that denigrates mind undermines self-esteem. A culture inwhich human beings are held accountable for their actions supports self-esteem;a culture in which no one is held accountable for anything breeds demoralizationand self-contempt. A culture that prizes self-responsibility fostersself-esteem; a culture in which people are encouraged to see themselves asvictims fosters dependency, passivity, and the mentality of entitlement. Theevidence for these observations is all around us.

The Individual and Society

The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Ebook Download

Cultures do not encourage the questioning of their own premises. One of themeanings of living consciously has to do with one's awareness that otherpeople's beliefs are just that, their beliefs, and not necessarily ultimatetruth. This does not mean that living consciously expresses itself inskepticism. It expresses itself in critical thinking.

The average person tends to judge him or herself by the values prevalent in hissocial environment, as transmitted by family members, political and religiousleaders, teachers, newspaper and television editorials, and popular art such asmovies. These values mayor may not be rational and may or may not answer to theneeds of the individual.

I am sometimes asked if a person cannot achieve genuine self-esteem byconforming and living up to cultural norms that he or she may never have thoughtabout, let alone questioned, and that do not necessarily make a good deal ofsense. Is not the safety and security of belonging with and to the group a formof self-esteem? Does not group validation and support lead to an experience oftrue self-worth? The error here is in equating any feeling of safety or comfortwith self-esteem. Conformity is not self-efficacy; popularity is notself-respect. Whatever its gratifications, a sense of belonging is not equal totrust in my mind or confidence in my ability to master the challenges of life.The fact that others esteem me is no guarantee I will esteem myself.

If I live a life of unthinking routine, with no challenges or crises, I may beable to evade for a while the fact that what I possess is not self-esteem butpseudo self-esteem. When everything is all right, everything is all right, butthat is not how we determine the presence of self-esteem. Genuine self-esteemis what we feel about ourselves when everything is not alright. When we arechallenged by the unexpected, when others disagree with us, when we are flungback on our own resources, when the cocoon of the group can no longer insulateus from the tasks and risks of life, when we must think, choose, decide, and actand no one is guiding us or applauding us. At such moments our deepest premisesreveal themselves.

One of the biggest lies we were ever told is that it is supposedly 'easy' to beselfish and that self-sacrifice takes spiritual strength. People sacrificethemselves in a thousand ways every day. This is their tragedy. To honor theself -- to honor mind, judgment, values, and convictions -- is the ultimate actof courage. Observe how rare it is. But it is what self-esteem asks of us.

The need for self-esteem is a summon to the hero within us. This means awillingness -- and a will -- to live the six practices when to do so may not beeasy. We may need to overcome inertia, face down fears, confront pain, or standalone in loyalty to our own judgment, even against those we love.

No matter how nurturing our environment, rationality, self-responsibility, andintegrity are never automatic; they always represent an achievement. We are freeto think or to avoid thinking, free to expand consciousness or to contract it,free to move toward reality or to withdraw from it. The six pillars all entailchoice.

Living consciously requires an effort. Generating and sustaining awareness iswork. Every time we choose to raise the level of our consciousness, we actagainst inertia. We pit ourselves against entropy, the tendency of everything inthe universe to run down toward chaos. In electing to think, we strive to createan island of order and clarity within ourselves. The first enemy of self-esteemwe may need to overcome is laziness.

'Laziness' is not a term we ordinarily encounter in books on psychology. Andyet, is anyone unaware that sometimes we fail ourselves for no reason other thanthe disinclination to generate the effort of an appropriate response? Sometimes,of course, laziness is abetted by fatigue; but not necessarily. Sometimes we arejust lazy, which means we do not challenge inertia, we do not choose to awaken.

The other dragon we may need to slay is the impulse to avoid discomfort.Living consciously may obligate us to confront our fears; it may bring us intocontact with unresolved pain. Self-acceptance may require that we make real toourselves thoughts, feelings, or actions that disturb our equilibrium; it mayshake up our 'official' self-concept. Self-responsibility obliges us to face ourultimate aloneness; it demands that we relinquish fantasies of a rescuer.Self-assertiveness entails the courage to be authentic, with no guarantee of howothers will respond; it means that we risk being ourselves. Living purposefullypulls us out of passivity into the demanding life of high focus; it requiresthat we be self-generators. Living with integrity demands that we choose ourvalues and stand by them, whether or not this is pleasant and whether or notothers share our convictions; there are times when it demands hard choices.

If one of our top priorities is to avoid discomfort, if we make this a highervalue than our self-regard, then under pressure we will abandon the sixpractices precisely when we need them most.

How To Improve Self-esteem Pdf

The desire to avoid discomfort is not, per se, a vice. But when surrendering toit blinds us to important realities and leads us away from necessary actions, itresults in tragedy.

Here is the basic pattern: First, we avoid what we need to look at because we donot want to feel pain. Then our avoidance produces further problems for us,which we also do not want to look at because they evoke pain. Then the newavoidance produces additional problems we do not care to examine -- and so on.Layer of avoidance is piled on layer of avoidance, disowned pain on disownedpain. This is the condition of most adults.

Here is the reversal of the basic pattern: First, we decide that our self-esteemand our happiness matter more than short-term discomfort or pain. We take babysteps at being more conscious, self-accepting, responsible, and so on. We noticethat when we do this we like ourselves more. This inspires us to push on andattempt to go farther. We become more truthful with ourselves and others.Self-esteem rises. We take on harder assignments. We feel a little tougher, alittle more resourceful. It becomes easier to confront discomfiting emotions andthreatening situations; we feel we have more assets with which to cope. Webecome more self-assertive. We feel stronger. We are building the spiritualequivalent of a muscle. Experiencing ourselves as more powerful, we seedifficulties in more realistic perspective. We may never be entirely free offear or pain, but they have lessened immeasurably, and we are not intimidated bythem. Integrity feels less threatening and more natural.

If the process were entirely easy, if there was nothing hard about it at anypoint, if perseverance and courage were never needed -- why then everyonewould have good self-esteem. But a life without effort, struggle, or sufferingis an infant's dream.

We do not have to catastrophize fear or discomfort. We can accept them as partof life, face them and deal with them as best we can, and keep moving in thedirection of our best possibilities.

But always, will is needed. Perseverance is needed. Courage is needed.

The Six Pillars Of Self-esteem Pdf Free Download

The energy for this commitment can only come from the love we have for our ownlife.

The Six Pillars Of Self Esteem Pdf Free Download For Windows 10

This love is the beginning of virtue. It is the launching pad for our highestand noblest aspirations. It is the motive power that drives the six pillars. Itis the seventh pillar of self-esteem.